Jewish Jokes

Subject: Syrian Air

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces: "This is Syrian Airlines 174 announcing we have lost an engine and we want to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer. A short while later he announces, This is Syrian Airlines 174 again. We have lost two engines and we ask permission to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel". No answer from anyone. A little while later the pilot announces, " This is Syrian Airlines 174, we are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land in any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel." Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airlines 174, we have only one engine left and the plane is rapidly falling. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel." Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian air cockpit: "Shalmon Syrian Air 174 -- This is Tel Aviv airport calling. We would like to help." "God bless you, said the Syrian pilot. "What should we do? Tel Aviv Contro

Welcome Home

In 1921 my grandparents emigrated from Russia due to the pogroms driving the Jews out of the country. Their emergence was adventurous in itself. Eventually they arrived at the docks. Everyone who was boarding the boats for America had to show fifty dollars before they were allowed into America. My uncle, who was in America, sent the money to my grandparents. While they were boarding the boat my grandfather noticed a little boy crying hysterically. My grandfather went over to him. The boy told my grandfather that he lost his money and would not be allowed into the country. My grandfather gave the small boy, whose name was Isadore Feterman, his fifty dollars. Once they arrived in America my grandfather had to contact my uncle and tell him that he needed more money. My grandfather had to wait several days. Eventually everyone was allowed in the United States. Fifteen years later my grandfather was at his junk shop. A limousine pulled up and out came two men. They asked for Benjamin Lasensky. My grandfather replied that it was he. The man introduced himself as Isadore Feterman and handed a blank check to my grandfather. He said "I owe my success and happiness in America to you. Fill the check to whatever amount you desire," (Isadore was a well-known millionaire.) My grandfather called my uncle and told him. My uncle said "Just fill it out for the fifty dollars we gave him." Some years passed and they lost touch again. Several years later, my grandfather's cousin was living in New York where Isadore Feterman lived. It was my grandfather's 85th birthday. My grandfather's cousin looked up Mr. Feterman and invited him to my grandfather's party. He replied, "I wouldn't miss it for the world." So, Isadore Feterman came to Granpa's 85th birthday party and it was a pleasant surprise for my grandfather. Isadore told everyone there the story of how he came to America.

Saddam and Clinton

Sadam called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a flag." Clinton said:"Sadam, what was on the flag?" Sadam said: "Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah". Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there was a flag." Sadam said: "Bill, what was on the flag?" Clinton replied: "I really don't know, I can't read Hebrew!"

JEWISH

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

Jewish

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

Talking to a wall

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realized that whenever he looked at the wall he saw this old Jew praying vigorously. The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?" The old Jew replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The old Jew's sincerity and persistence take the journalist. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?" The old Jew nods. "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?" The old Jew becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty five years." The journalist is flabbergasted. "You mean you have been coming to the wall every day for all those years to pray for these things?" The old Jew nods. The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for these things?" The old Jew replies: "How does it feel? It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

American Dream

Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America. 20 years pass... The first man asks the second, "So, nu? How'd you do?" He replies: Vell, you know...ven I came to this country I had no idea vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!" He turns to the next man and asks, "So nu, how 'bout you?" He says "Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name. Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I make a fortune!" So they both turn to the last man and say, "And you? Vat happened to you?" So the third man said, "Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a livink here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor. So I went to shul and prayed. I said "God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner." So the first man said, "So, vat happened?" The man replied, "Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?"

Gambling

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

FRY'S

And it came to pass after these things that God did test Abraham. And He said to him "Abraham!"
And Abraham replied "Hi ninny-ninny- here I am."
And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 486; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 98 beta from my other son, Bill, which I will show to you." And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 486, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, Microsoft, in the hills of Seattle, there to find Windows 98 beta. Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 98 beta on sale at Fry's Electronics in the valley of Sunnyvale, and it was "Beta," the first time Abraham's son Bill gave "truth in advertising." And Abraham said to his young men, "stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 98 "beta" on our 486, and come again to you."
And Abraham took his computer his old computer, his 486, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And behold it And they went both of them together to Fry's Electronics. Fry's has a Pentium II 300mhz with motherboard on sale today for $684, so they bought it and up-graded their computer.
And Yitzchak spoke to Abraham his father, and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hi ninny-ninny- Here I am my son." And Yitzchak said, "Windows 98 beta requires far more memory than a Pentium II 300mhz has, how will it possibly run on your machine?"
And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Yitzchak my son; ......God will provide the RAM."