Jokes about Irish, Jewish and Bars

Farmer

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone on the Irish countryside with a big black lab he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying the mass for the creature?" Father Patric replied, "no, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I will go right now." Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service." Father Patrick said, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Luck of the Irish?

During World War II, the captured allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. Prisoners Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan had planned for months to acquire two steel files and now finally possessed them! On this particular night, they had chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. Stealthily they slithered to the gate with perfect timing so the guard was not near. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied, "Sorry for you, but I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."

Two Irish Drunks

Two Irish drunks are walking home in the dark along a country road.

"Faith, Mike," exclaims Paddy at one point, "we've stumbled into a graveyard!"

"And how d'you know that?" asks Mike.

"Look," says Paddy, "here's the stone of a man who lived to the ripe old age of 103!"

"Glory be, Paddy, and was it anyone we knew?"

"No, Mike," replies Paddy, "'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

Texan at O'Malley's Pub

A Texan walks into O'Malley's pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of good drinkers' . I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's offer. One man, (apparently from cork) even leaves. 30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the corkma

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the corkman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The corkman replies, "to O'Halloran's Pub down the street to see if I could do it".

Father O'Mally

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"