Jokes in General

In this section you will find a wide selection of jokes of all kinds. Be ready to have fun and enjoy. Don't forget to close the door of your office, you might not want your boss to know that you are having fun at work.

A Nike cover-up?

Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is relly saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Say's Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, " We thought nobody in America would know what he said."
-from an article in Forbes Magazine

French

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out the past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

$7.00

A small-town barber was doing well until a big company moved in across the street. They blitzed the place with signs reading, "EVERYTHING FOR $7!..... $7 Haircuts! ...... $7 Perms! ..... $7 Manicures! .... Everything for $7!" Well, the barber lost all his customers and in despair he hired an expert. "I'm finished!" he declared..."I can't compete with them!" The consultant looked out the window and said, "Not just yet -- I have an idea!" He picked up the phone and called the town's only billboard company and told them to put a big sign on the top of the barber's shop. "And what do you want us to put on the sign?, they asked. He replied, "In big bold letters put the words WE FIX $7 HAIRCUTS!"

Star Trek: The Next Generation The Demise of the Borg Collective

<Picard>Captain's Log, supplemental. LaForge and Data have been working endlessly to devise a plan to destroy the Borg in this sector. They have proposed to load an impossible geometric shape into their collective that will consume all of their problem solving capacity and render them helpless. "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a further weakness in the Borg?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
< Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen>
<Riker> (looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
<Data> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, called Windows 95, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough."
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea. Make it so." LATER
<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
<Geordi> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
<Picard> "Data, what do scanners show?"
<Data>"Apparently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." Captain's Log, supplemental. The Borg's collective resources are being devoted entirely to the use of a module called Solitaire in the late twentieth-century computer program called Windows 95.
<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'."
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"
<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 hours, fifteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo. Captain, it's transmitting a message to the Borg ship."
<Picard> "Intercept the transmission, Data. Let's hear it."
<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
<Picard> "On screen, Mister Data. Magnify!"
<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
<Data> "I do not believe those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twentieth century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
<Riker and Picard, together>(horrified) "Lawyers!!"
<Geordi> "They've surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal." "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" "Turn the main screen off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death! Geordi, set a course. Anywhere, just get us out of here. Maximum warp."
<Geordi> "Course set for Delta Indri, Captain."
<Picard> "Engage, dammit, engage!"

Athletes

Steve Mariucci was back visiting the new basketball coach at UC Cal. They started a conversation and began arguing over who was dumber, a football player or a basketball player. Mariucci said " I hate to say this, but football players are dumber than basketball players... Watch and I'll show you" He then called in Brent Jones standing outside his office and asked him to come into the office. Number 84 came in and Mariucci says to him: "Here's 25 cents, go down the street to the car dealer and buy me a new Jimmy" Brent Jones takes the quarter and leaves. A few minutes later, he comes back in and says "Hey Coach, I forgot to ask, what color did you want?" Mariucci tells him to forget it, he's changed his mind. After the player leaves, the new 49'er coach says to the basketball coach "I'm telling you, my guys are dumb!" The basketball coach says "Not so fast, let me show you one of my basketball players" and promptly calls one in to the office. The coach says to the player "Could you run down to my office for me and see if I'm there?" The player starts to leave, but as he gets to the door, he stops short, turns around and says "Hey! There's a phone right there on the desk ... Can't you just call down there?" They hired him right on the spot to be Mariucci's new assistant.

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters:

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4) We put the "k" in "kwality"
5) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
6) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
8) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
9) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
10) TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Microsoft reports Windows 2000 will not be released until 1901

This was in response to information I sent out regarding the issue of Windows Office 2000 in June, but I did not know when the new version Windows 2000 would be released.

This was a tight contest, as many of them are. Wally Lunny would have won, but only joke panel members votes are counted. Not his wife or two sons votes. They protested, but there are only a two rules to the contest---only panelists can vote ( they are the original six plus each monthly winner sits on the panel ) and I cannot contribute a joke ( anyone else can, relatives, friends, employees are invited to participate ).

I should note that Dan Sorkin has won twice. He most likely recognizes jokes he submitted, but votes for the funniest one. John Turnbull also didn't vote for his own joke. He voted for Wally's:

The Yugo and the Rolls Royce

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls.

"Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man!

Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo.

When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS ?!?!"

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

Phone Call

This employee walks into work, with both ears bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He replies, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt. The phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron." The boss said, "Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?" He said, "I had to call the doctor."

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to big, tall beer. A big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was almost dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got some water, which Silver drank. The Lone Ranger then turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better." Tonto said, "Yes, Kemosabe," and took off running very fast circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy walked into the bar and said, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood again and said, "I do. What's wrong with him now?" The 2nd cowboy says, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running.

MERGER NEWS NEW YORK,

May 5 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word.

---CONCORD, N.H., May 5 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.

--- BANGOR, Me., May 5 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

--- WASHINGTON, May 5. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home companion services.

--- ROME, May 5(Religious News Service) - After several eon's of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.

Schmohawk Indians

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz. "So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe." "What?", says the mama. "Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage." "Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?" "I said 'Yes.'" "You said 'Yes'?" "I said 'Yes.'" That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said 'Yes'! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!" "I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?" "Sittin' Bialy." "Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?" "That's the one," says Minihorowitz. "Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?" "We'll think of something," says Geronowitz. "Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!" "What, at this hour?" "What, at this hour?" "No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!" So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night, and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed. "Geronowitz!, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!" "It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat.. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This,' I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 'This,' I says to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.'"So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it." "See what?" says Pocayenta. "I brought the dairy tomahawk.

3 Executions:

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza", which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Jew requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES ????" "Yes, Strawberries, he replies". "But they are out of season !" he is told "So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."

Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement : In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. Grizzly droppings are easily identified :they have tiny bells.

Today's Stock Market

Report Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Air conditioning

It was a sweltering August day when the three Greenberg Brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford.
"How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo." "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled.
One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:

"Toddler Property Laws"

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of reading the Toddler Property Laws, I've been reading Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.

Experience

Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal Mart manager came and unplugged it.

Positive

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Mushroom

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!.

Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Portugee were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a new San Francisco building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off". The Mexican says "If I get one more burrito, I'm jumping too". The Portugee opened his lunch and said "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too". Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The Portugee opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much". Everyone turned and stared at the Portugee's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".