Jokes about Computer World, Internet & Bill Gates

THE LAWS OF MODERN COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, It's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human--it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

The Twelve Steps of Appleholics Anonymous

The relative success of the Appleholics program seems to be due to the fact that a Mac user who no longer buys Apple products has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled Mac user. In simplest form, the Appleholics Anonymous program operates when a recovered Mac user passes along the story of his or her own problem mousing, describes the serenity he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal user group. The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the user group:
1. We admitted we were powerless over Apple - that our budgets had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a PC cheaper and faster than a Mac could restore us to competitiveness.
3. Made a decision to turn our programs and our data over to the care of Windows as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless backup of our hard drives.
5. Admitted to Usenet, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Java remove all these defects of code.
7. Humbly asked cloners to take our Macs as trade-ins.
8. Made a list of all PC users we had flamed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would crash their systems or corrupt their data.
10. Continued to review our posts and email, and when we were flaming promptly cancelled them.
11. Sought through ISDN and ASDL to improve our conscious contact with the Net as we understood it, praying only for URLs of the best shareware games and the bandwidth to download them.
12. Having had a rational enlightenment as the result of these steps, we tried to email this message to Mac users and to practice these principles on all our purchase orders.

COMPUTER

"We have all heard that if a million monkeys banged away on a million keyboards, they would eventually recreate all the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true."

English

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?" "No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA."
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir.
Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie." "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes."
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No."
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes."
"Any pies then?"
"No."
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.."
"Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not."
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."

BILL GATES

Bill Gates of Microsoft, Larry Ellison of Oracle, and Steve Jobs of Apple/Nextar decided to play golf at the Palo Alto Country Club, near where Jobs lives, and talk about who should be chairman of Apple. It seems after six months, no one wants the job except for Steve Woziniack. They were on the first tee and getting impatient as a particularly slow group of golfers were ahead of them.
Gates: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Ellison: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Gates: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. I've got things to do and places to go.
Jobs: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Jobs: That's so sad. And to think we are worrying about getting a chairman for Apple. What's another six months???
Ellison: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist girlfriend and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Gates: Why can't these guys play at night?

Bill Gates, Again

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." He has his wireless laptop and dials in and via Satellite connects with Microsoft, the last place he was visiting as he was downloading a patch to get Explorer to work. Somehow he gets Bill Gates direct. He quickly types out his predicament: "No, you are NOT screwed, " Bill Gates replies by e-mail. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces. He sends a quick message, "I bashed in the chief's head." Bill Gates replies: "Okay … NOW you're screwed."

Gates on poverty

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Sun Microsystems indicates that it will add this feature to upcoming releases of its web browsers. Sun indicated that a Java applet is in the works that would ask for spare change for a cup of "Hot Java".

Top 10 Signs You Work in the computer business:

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. Refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. Find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. Normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. Wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. Know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. Think a half-day means leaving at 5 o'clock

You know you're an e-mail junkie when...

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo of your screen name.
3. You name your new daughter "Dotcom."
4. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your AOL access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...and succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at: "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Fry's Electronics Employment Application

We understand that Fry's is hiring. In an attempt to breed goodwill toward our corporate account, we have taken the time to redo their employment application to help improve the quality of their applicants.

Please apply early and often!
Name: _________________________________________
Address:
1) YMCA
2) Halfway house
3) A cardboard box on Page Mill Rd.
4) None City: _________________________________________ Phone: +011 ____________________________________
Education:
1) some grammar school
2) 8th grade
3) some HS
4) Umm..."self-taught"
5) watch a lot of TV IQ: _________________________________________
Position:
1) customer service associate
2) surly sales
3) "Today's Floor Supervisor is [blank]"
4) door Nazi
5) the guy who gets RAM out of that case locked with kryptonite bolts (just in case Superman comes in)
Cashiering positions English is your
1) Second
2) Third
3) Fourth language
You are at a register and the customer's total is $6.31.
The customer hands you a $10.00 bill.
You should
1) Have the customer wait while you call the Federal Reserve to make sure the bill is good
2) Shout, "Check approval please!"
3) Mumble "Customer service..." and stare vacantly into space while waiting for your supervisor
4) All of the above
A customer picks up a can of soda but decides he doesn't want it while at the register.
You
1) Call Sunnyvale to double check his resale number
2) Call Pepsi to check the expiration date on the soda Computer or software sales
A customer approaches you on the floor and asks how much memory you need to run Windows 95.
You
1) Pretend you don't hear them and walk briskly into the next aisle
2) Say, "Can't you see I'm helping another customer?!", and run off to the back room to smoke a cigarette
3) Continue to stare blankly into space
4) Blurt out the first number that comes into your head
You pick up the ringing phone, expecting to hear your girlfriend and/or mother.
A customer(!) asks if you have Photoshop 3.05 for Windows in stock. You
1) Blurt "Certainly!" in a loud voice, while checking your teeth in the reflection from your suit coat and trying to remember if you hid the last copy well enough
2) Snarl "Not my department!" into the receiver and slam down the phone
3) Play a game with the other clerks- see who can get a caller to hold the longest by offering to "Check the Fremont store."
4) Explain how you're really a software developer, and that your Visual Basic version 'Fotoshop' is really far superior and only slightly more expensive
Audio/Visual sales
A kindly older gentleman asks to purchase the 13" TV that was advertised in the morning paper for $99, a gift for his granddaughter's college dorm room.
You
1) Tell him that, darn it, you've just sold the last one. However, the top-quality 'SUNY'-brand TV right next to it is only $225! When he points put the stack of sale TVs next to the display, tell him they're empty boxes. If he picks one up to see, run.
2) Scoff at his selection. Explain that all the kids nowadays would be humiliated by anything less than a 32" Mitsubishi with Stereo Surround-only $3200!
3) Tell him Sunnyvale has some, and they'll hold one. Then call Sunnyvale and tell them to send him to Campbell. Repeat.
4) Invite him out to your car, where there's an 'Open Box Buy'
You're working the AV room today. Customers come in to see the Home Theater equipment. You
1) Diddle nonchalantly with the equipment, and tell people you have the same $1400 Carver amp at home. Only your Mom knows you buy only Realistic from Radio Shack
2) Insist repeatedly that the Technics speakers are really the same as the Infinity Crescendos, just without the expensive nameplate
3) Fantasize idly of your dream job at Circuit City. Someday, someday 4) Put "Top Gun" into the VCR and turn the volume up so loud that you're instantly sterile
Employment Experience: Have you been fired by Radio Shack or any subsidiary of the Tandy Corporation in the last three years?
1) Yes
2) No
Have you been involved in retailing in the USSR, North Korea, Thailand, or any of the former Soviet satellites?
1) Yes
2) No
Are you 'computer literate'*?
1) Yes
2) No

Can you:

1) Program your VCR?
1) Yes
2) No

2)Use an ATM?
1) Yes
2) No

3) Use a remote channel changer?
1) Yes
2) No

4) Flush a toilet without assistance?
1) Yes
2) No *NOTE: If answer to any of the above is yes, please answer YES. Expected salary: 1) $4.85/hr 2) $5.00/hr 3) $5.15/hr 4) $6.00/hr * *
Your Masters is in _________________________________________ Previous Employment:
1) Circuit City
2) Lozano's Car Wash (started as wiper, promoted to waxer)
3) Domino's delivery man
4) "You want fries with that?"
5) Just turned 16- first job! For how long?
1) a paycheck
2) a couple weeks
3) until the federales caught up with me
4) they think I'm in the stockroom right now

Thanks for applying to Fry's Electronics. We're certain you'll be robbing us blind in no time!

Bill Gates

Bill Gates was in town yesterday for the Churchill Group meeting at the Marriott here in Santa Clara. He said in a question and answer session from the audience, asked what size he thought Microsoft would grow to: " About double the size, that's about it." He also thought Network Computers, meaning back to the main frame computer concept of dead workstations to one computer, was not the direction the users were going because personal computers were getting cheaper, faster, better, more reliable, it was personal, and much more software was available. He said the symbol for Network Computer was " Not Compatible."

Jocks vs. Nerds

Tiger Woods picked up another endorsement/American Express. He is approaching Michael Jordan's earnings...and to put things into perspective, how about comparing Michael Jordan to Bill Gates: In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" I submit the following:
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $8.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike.) If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES (owner of Microsoft). NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

Did you hear about the three legged dog that went into the bar and asked if anyone saw his paw? This is a known hoax, but still funny.

Top Ten Things to Do while Waiting to To Connect to AOL

10. Your 1996 taxes
9. Complete your BA degree
8. Watch your hair grow
7. Finally clean your keyboard
6. Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad
5. Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it
4. Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault
3. Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value
2. Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive.
1. Organize your desk

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes,
Costello: I just got my first computer from Fry's Electronics.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium III-450, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 6.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM, all for $399.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know ...
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: OK, Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then...
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button...
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press...
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the Stop button, the End button, and the Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

E-mail

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire themasterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

Appleholics program

The relative success of the Appleholics program seems to be due to the fact that a Mac user who no longer buys Apple products has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled Mac user. In simplest form, the Appleholics Anonymous program operates when a recovered Mac user passes along the story of his or her own problem mousing, describes the serenity he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal user group. The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the user group:

1. We admitted we were powerless over Apple - that our budgets had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a PC cheaper and faster than a Mac could restore us to competitiveness.
3. Made a decision to turn our programs and our data over to the care of Windows as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless backup of our hard drives.
5. Admitted to Usenet, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Java remove all these defects of code.
7. Humbly asked cloners to take our Macs as trade-ins.
8. Made a list of all PC users we had flamed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would crash their systems or corrupt their data.
10. Continued to review our posts and email, and when we were flaming promptly cancelled them.
11. Sought through ISDN and ASDL to improve our conscious contact with the Net as we understood it, praying only for URLs of the best shareware games and the bandwidth to download them.
12. Having had a rational enlightenment as the result of these steps, we tried to email this message to Mac users and to practice these principles on all our purchase orders.

REMEMBER WHEN

A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN...
AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT...
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES

AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT AND IF YOU HAD
A 3 ½" FLOPPY YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE
NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE

LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE

PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME AND
A VIRUS WAS THE FLU

I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD.

Bill Gates, Larry Elliason and Steve Jobs

Bill Gates of Microsoft, Larry Ellison of Oracle, and Steve Jobs of Apple/Nextar decided to play golf at the Palo Alto Country Club, near where Jobs lives, and talk about who should be chairman of Apple. It seems after six months, no one wants the job except for Steve Woziniack. They were on the first tee and getting impatient as a particularly slow group of golfers were ahead of them. Gates: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Ellison: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Gates: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. I've got things to do and places to go. Jobs: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Jobs: That's so sad. And to think we are worrying about getting a chairman for Apple. What's another six months??? Ellison: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist girlfriend and see if there's anything he can do for them. Gates: Why can't these guys play at night

Microsoft Corporation

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah. Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server. Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve. Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server. Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

Heavenly Contest

Despite becoming a $50 billionaire, Bill Gates dies and his soul wanders from his body, but does not know where to go---up or down. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who gets Bill Gates. This goes on for a few hours until Bill Gates gets this idea to hold a contest using Windows 98. They all came to an agreement to have God as the judge. They set themselves on their computers and begin. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out! I wish I had bought the power UPS back-up on sale at Fry's!!!!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished! He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! He didn't have that power back-up from Fry's. How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everyone knows... Jesus saves

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Pentium--medicine to use to speed up your computer.
AMD---The same medicine but "generic."
Cyrix---A placebo System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.