Jokes in Religion
This section is dedicated to jokes about Religion. I would like to apologize in advance if you get offended. It is not our intention to make anybody feel offended by this matter. When you read these jokes just try to keep an open mind.
A Nun and A Cab Driver
A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring at her and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun . . . I have heard just about everything." The cab driver said, "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well let's see what we can work out. 1) You have to be single, and 2) You have to be Catholic." The cab drive said, "Oh, I'm single and I am Catholic! ! !" She said, "O.K., pull in to the alley," and he did. She blew him and when they were on the street again, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said, "Sister I have sinned, I lied, Iied . . . I'm married and I'm Jewish! ! !" She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."
No Sex for Two Weeks
couples; an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted
to join a church.
A priest and a nun. . .
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs to take a bathroom break. The problem is that the confessional line is too long. In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor over and asks the janitor to take over for a few minutes. "But I won't know what to say," protests the janitor. "You've been to confession, so you know how it works" the priest responded. "Besides there is a list of sins and penances taped inside the booth." The Priest leaves and the janitor hears the first sinner: "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job." The flustered janitor cannot find blow jobs, fellatio, or oral sex on the penance sheet. Janitor motions over the alter boy and asks, "What does Father generally give for a blow job?" Alter boy replies, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke."
Heaven and Riding in Style
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, St Peter came up to them and said, "You will be given a method of tranportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds,and will have your transportation chosen accordingly". St Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around Heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St Peter finally looked at Sam and said, "You, Sam have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later John and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Farrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Farrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
Showdown at the Vatican
Please note you have to read this and not skip anything to get to the meaning of this story.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then...?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A priest and a rabbi. . .
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celebate...but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what your are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was a silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!."
Cardinal Browning was having wine with the Pope. They were both feeling quite comfortable. The Cardinal turns to the Pope and says, "I have a Polish joke for you." The Pope says to the Cardinal, "You know Iím Polish, donít you?" The Cardinal responds, "Thatís okay your Holiness. Iíll tell it slowly."
Ding, Ding, Ding??
Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the brotherhood. The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then ties a little bell to their penises with some string. "If your bell rings," explains the head monk, "then you are not fit for the brotherhood." A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a sensuous dance, but the bells don't ring. Her dance gets more and more erotic, but the bells don't ring. She starts to peel off her clothes... 'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the bells. The head monks faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for the order. Pick up your clothes and leave us." Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes. 'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.
WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL?
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, What if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this..."Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
1 for requests.
you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal
Some friars at the Los Gatos Novitiate were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop in downtown Los Gatos to raise the funds.
Since everyone likes to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They
ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified,
the friars did so -thereby proving that . . .
man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately
the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went
filing all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what
had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful
rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down
the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped
out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained,
"I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. There also may not be an
Easter because of this. What should I do? " The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She
walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up and picked
up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down
the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped
down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And
waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance
could be in the woman's spray can!!
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus
had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid
for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh
out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Jesus is watching you...
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed throught the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically he looked all around; in a dark corner he spotted a bird cage, and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What stupid ass named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same stupid ass who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
The Top 16 Signs You've Been Chosen to Lead Hell's Army
It always seems to be about 9000 degrees in your office, and everything you sit
on instantly bursts into flame.
The Pope arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by St. Peter. "Pope, Heaven is yours. Make yourself at home." The Pope nods his appreciation at the warm greeting and inquires as to the location of the Heavenly library. "I always wanted to read our Father's written word," explains the Pope, as St. Peter points him the library's direction. A couple of years roll by when all of a sudden St. Peter hears an agonizing scream! "Pope, what's the problem?" inquires St. Peter, as he rushes to the Pope's side. "Oh My God," moans the Pope, as he collapses into St. Peter's arms. "Look at page 20,002 of the Written Word, just look!" sobs the Pope. St. Peter solemly reads the Holy Scripture out loud. "...And yee shall remain forever to celebrate..." "Don't you see?" moans the Pope, "the word was to celebrate--not to remain celibate!"
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his fathers business.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
His first name was Jesus.
Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
He talked with his hands.
Three proofs that Jesus was Black:
He called everybody brother
Three proofs that Jesus was a Californian:
He never cut his hair.
The Amish Family
Amish boy and his father were visiting downtown San Jose. They were invited to
the Silicon Valley Capital Club.
Rabbi Plays Golf on Yom Kippur
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
On Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur; and a rabbi besides!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. This is exciting, thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the man. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately the Pope turned to the gentleman and said "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman. I cant tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "OF COURSE!" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they >both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:
Oh, my God...!
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6'7"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
A natural occurance
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornification!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet among them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child!"
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was one of the horses."
Damn income taxes!
One day a man named Paul died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did, and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Paul decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Mike up ahead. Mike was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Mike he asked him what was going on, and Mike replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Paul, Mike, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business, when Paul and Mike could have sworn that they saw their friend Steve up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous super model/centerfold. Stunned, Paul and Mike approached the man and saw that, in fact, it was their friend Steve. They asked him how it is that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Steve replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
There once was a set of identical twin brothers. One lived a godly life. He was a good husband and father, reputable businessman, and did lots of community service. The other one was a hell-raiser. He drank, cheated on his wife, stole and lied. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in heaven and could look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell was not as the good twin imagined. His brother was drinking and partying, kissing beautiful women and dancing his butt off. The good twin saw St. Peter and said to him, "Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing." St. Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said, "My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.
The thruth about the way nuns get admitted into Heaven
Nuns get admitted into Heaven through a special gate and are expected to have one last confessional before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the 1st Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun that is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Hilda sticks her butt in it!"
What it is done when heaven gets crowded
It got crowded in Heaven, so it was decided to accept only people that had a really bad day on the day they died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the Pearly gate and said to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said , "Oh it was awful! I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched the apartment over & couldn't find him anywhere. I went to the balcony ( we live on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I ran inside got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course & landed in some bushes & lived. I ran back inside, got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony & crushed him. The strain, though, gave me a heart attack and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny this man had a pretty bad day & that it was a crime of passion, so he let him enter heaven. St. Peter then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well sir it was awful! I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apt, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apt beneath me, but some crazy guy came out and started pounding my fingers with a hammer. I fell, of course, but managed to land on some bushes and lived. But then, he came back and dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled a bit, let him into Heaven and decided that he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man. "OK. Picture this: I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigeratorÖ."
Father O'Reilley is the only priest in the lonely parish in the Yukon. Bishop McNeill visits him to see how he's doing; Sez Bishop McNeil, " I admire the work you do with the fishermen, miners, Indians and campers; how do you do it in such a lonely place?" O'Reilley sez, "As long as I have my ROSARY and a couple of martinis, I'm happy. Would you like a martini Bishop?" "Sure," sez McNeill. "Rosary, will you make a couple of martinis for us??
Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
Three proofs that Jesus was Black:
proofs that Jesus was a Californian:
And it came to pass after these things that God did test Avraham. And He said to him "Avraham!" And Avraham replied "Hi ninny-ninny- here I am" And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 486; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 98 beta from my other son, Bill, which I will show to you." And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 486, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, Microsoft, in the hills of Seattle, there to find Windows 98 beta. Then , on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 98 beta on sale at Fry's Electronics in the valley of Sunnyvale, and it was "Beta," the first time Avraham's son Bill from gave "truth in advertising."
'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said And Santa was sitting and hocking his head He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel Some regular food that would stick to his beichel Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow." The house had no chimney, so he went through the door And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil Come on, don't be shy and see our split level The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit So come in the den and please have a bite If only we knew you were coming, by gosh But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes." "A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?" On the outside it's golden and inside it's white. On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy. Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays And he took a menorah to light for eight days And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt. He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora, I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack I'm leaving you everything, even my sack." Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn." And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein "Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie, Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly." And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight "MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special".
THE TOP 10 MOVIES TO RENT DURING HANUKKAH:
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipelini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipelini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"" Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Due to President Clinton's action, God has added a new commandment -- "Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff."
A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!" "And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.." The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
Manufacturers of God
Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God
Which model God did you acquire?
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with
no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all
Have you ever worshipped a God before?
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please
check all that apply:
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balance between felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle one): a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level between disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" Asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
The Pope The Pope is visiting America for an important Catholic conference outside Washington D.C. His limo gets caught in traffic leaving his hotel and he falls behind schedule. Once out on the freeway, he orders his limo driver to speed up but the driver responds "I am sorry your Holiness, but I cannot risk your safety. I must abide by the speed limits." The Pope is momentarily stymied but then he gets an idea. He orders the driver to pull over and to sit in the back seat. Then the Pope takes the wheel and roars out onto the interstate. The Pope lays the hammer down in that big limo and starts to make up time. Pretty soon the Pope is rolling down the highway at 100 miles an hour. All of a sudden, flashing red and blue lights fill the rear-view mirror. The Pope pulls off to the side of the road, and a mirror-shade wearing Highway Patrolman swaggers up to the limo. The Pope rolls down the window as the Patrolman approaches. The Patrolman peers into the window , and staggers back, doing a massive double take. He looks at the Pope behind the wheel, looks at the huge white limo, and then rushes back to his patrol car. He immediately gets on the radio and calls dispatch. He asks to be put through to the chief of the D.C. police on an emergency basis. The Chief comes on and says "What seems to be the problem, son?" The Patrolman says "Well, sir, I pulled over a V.I.P. and I need to now how to handle it..." The Chief says "Hmm, how big of a VIP son? Is it a Congressman?" The Patrolman says, "No sir, more important than a Congressman." The Chief says, "Darn, Is it a Senator?" The Patrolman says, "No sir, more important than a Senator" The Chief "Well, I'll be. Is it a Cabinet Officer?" The Patrolman says, "No Sir, more important than a cabinet officer" The Chief says "Damn! Is it the President?" The Patrolman says, "No Sir, more important than the President" The Chief says, "Good God man! WHO IS IT THEN?????" The Patrolman says, "I don't really know sir, but He's got the Pope as his Chauffeur"
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: ....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: ....."Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
Judgment Day arrives. God reviews the billions of people assembled, and says, "Welcome to Heaven. Women, go with Saint Peter. Men, form two lines. One line shall be men who dominated their women on Earth. The other line shall be men who were dominated by their women." After much movement and shuffling, all the women are gone, and there remain two lines of men. The line of men that were dominated by their women is hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles long. The line of men that dominated women has but one man standing. God reviews the two lines, points to the long line, and in a voice that echoes angrily throughout Heaven says, "You men should be ashamed. I created you in MY image, and you all were dominated by your mates. Behold! Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. You shall learn from him!" God turns to the one man standing, smiles, and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one in that line?" And the man says, "I don't know, Lord. My wife told me to stand here."
RULES OF JUDAISM:
- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and urinate. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, it'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...
Lord and Taylor
About 2 thousand years ago a man named Jesus felt he needed a new robe as the one he was wearing became shabby due to his preaching travels. In Jerusalem he found Finkelstein the tailor. Finkelstein fitted Him with a lovely robe. "How much do I owe you?" "You owe me nothing, when you preach your sermons just mention my name and we will call it even." Finkelstein's business prospered and in appreciation offered Jesus a partnership. "Good!' says Jesus, We will call it, JESUS & FINKELSTEIN." This did not stand well with Finkelstein as he preferred his name first. After much haggling they settled on a name as we know it today, LORD & TAYLOR
Family of the Groom
At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ." The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.
Dinner with God
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God in Moscow. During dinner He told them:
"I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two very bad news
items for you:
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have Good news and Bad News: 1. The good news is: God really does exist 2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements: 1. I am one of three most important people on earth 2. The Year 2000 problem is solved"
YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE FOLLOWING WHICH WOULD YOU
OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE, THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!! And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!
BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.
BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!
HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS---Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.
CLARK BAR---You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
GOOD'N'PLENTY---You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY BAR---You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS---You go to the bathroom often.
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope head butts her.
And God created woman, and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything that you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.
are married women heavier than single women?
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
don't women blink during foreplay?
does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
do men and sperm have in common?
is the difference between men and government bonds?
are blonde jokes so short?
many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Santa Clara, CA., decided to
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