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Kit Menkin


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Jokes about Mom's, Blondes, Marriage & Sex


An escaped convict broke into a house. . .

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years, just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," she replied, "I'm so relieved to hear you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!"

Three old men

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."

My son is so successful. . .

Four men went golfing together one day: three headed for the first tee while the other went inside to pay the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home - for free!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man not to be outdone, said "My son is a stock broker and he is doing so well he gave a friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man had finally joined them on the tee after paying the bill. The first man mentioned that they were talking about their sons and asked, "How is your boy doing?"
The fourth man rather sheepishly replied, "Well, I'm not to proud to say that my son is gay, but he must be doing something good - his last three boyfriends gave him a house, two Cadillacs, and a stock portfolio."


One day, Pinocchio came to Gepeto with a problem. He said, "Thanks a lot Gepeto for making me and everything, but I need advice. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. How can I stop this?"
"Well," said Gepeto, "Have you tried sandpaper?" "That's a good idea, and so Pinocchio left."
A couple of weeks later, Gepeto questioned Pinocchio, "How is the problem going with your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" said Pinocchio, "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?

A Married Woman and her Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said, "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "Take off my stockings and garters." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She then looked at him and said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

An Irishman and a Pumpkin

An Irishman is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The Irishman looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

Snakeskin Boots

A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife.Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies "Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Next time buy a hat!"

Just Like a Baby.

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, The girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint? "The girl said, you told me it was just like a baby."
The guy replied, "Yeah, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

A Nun and A Cab Driver

A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring at her and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun . . . I have heard just about everything." The cab driver said, "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well let's see what we can work out. 1) You have to be single, and 2) You have to be Catholic." The cab drive said, "Oh, I'm single and I am Catholic! ! !" She said, "O.K., pull in to the alley," and he did. She blew him and when they were on the street again, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said, "Sister I have sinned, I lied, Iied . . . I'm married and I'm Jewish! ! !" She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."

Captain and A Stewardess

Data log from a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston while deviating around hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks..."Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

Golfer and a Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

One Hundred Dollar

Bill A distinguished gentleman walks into a tattoo shop a says to the tattoo artist "I would like to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis" The tatoo artist replies "Now I've heard of a lot things, but never have I of this. Why on earth would you want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on to your penis, for gods sake???" The gentleman replied... "Well, I like to see my money grow. And, ...I like to play with my money. And, if my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, She can stay home!"

Barbie and G.I. Joe

The news that the new Barbie doll is going to have a smaller bust, larger waist and hips, to be more realistic, Mattel says, reminds me of this joke I sent out last Christmas:
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken". "No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

Donald Duck and a Condom

Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minney asks is "Do you have a condom" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

No Sex for Two Weeks

Three couples; an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."

Michael Jackson and the Waiting Game

Michael Jackson was with his wife, who just had their first child, in the hospital recovery room. Michael asked the doctor, "So how soon can we have sex?" The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 12".

A Blonde, Again

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went approached the vehicle and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was the driver. She drop-dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.
Could I see your driver's license?" "License?" replied the blonde, sounding confused. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After some fumbling, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration? What's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in the glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer radioed the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes," replied the officer. "Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "That's the one," replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her license and registration, stand back and drop your pants." "WHAT?! Are you nuts?" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it," said the dispatcher. So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped his trousers. The blonde looked down and sighed, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

Three Macho Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar acting very macho. The first mouse says: "Y'know those mousetraps with the springs in 'em? I like to snatch the cheese and when that steel bar come whipping down, I grab it and do about 50 bench presses just to stay in shape." Second mouse says: "Yeah? Well you ain't so tough. Y'know those little white poison pills in the mouse traps? I pull those suckers out, chop 'em up and snort 'em just for kicks!" On hearing this, the third mouse gets up and starts to head for the door. The other two mice say: "Where are you going?" The third mouse replies: "I can't take any more of this macho bullshit, I'm going home to Fuck the Cat!"

Heaven and Riding in Style

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, St Peter came up to them and said, "You will be given a method of tranportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds,and will have your transportation chosen accodingly".
St Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around Heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St Peter finally looked at Sam and said, "You, Sam have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later John and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Farrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Farrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

Delicious Apples

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit." The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

A Farmer and His Pigs

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

An Old Man and His Wife

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Gama Su! Gama Su!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"


One day, a priest has been in the confessional too long and needs to take a bathroom break. The problem is that the confessional line is too long. In a flash of brilliance, he motions the janitor over and asks the janitor to take over for a few minutes. "But I won't know what to say," protests the janitor. "You've been to confession, so you know how it works" the priest responded. "Besides there is a list of sins and penances taped inside the booth."
The Priest leaves and the janitor hears the first sinner: "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job." The flustered janitor cannot find blow jobs, fellatio, or oral sex on the penance sheet. Janitor motions over alter boy and asks, "What does Father generally give for a blow job?" Alter boy replies, "Usually a Snickers and a Coke."

Do the Math

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

She was So Blonde. . .

. . .she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
. . .she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
. . .she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
. . .she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
. . .she sat on the tv and watched the couch
. . .she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
. . .she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
. . .at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
. . .it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
. . .if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
. . .she studied for a blood test - and failed
. . .when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
. . .when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved
. . .when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Bathroom Torture

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, "go down the hall & make a right." Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.
A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!!"

The Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle.

You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" said the husband. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing!"

Little Boy & Girl

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah." The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys' bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad.

So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says, "You see *THIS*? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go out and buy you one!!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and replies, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

The Boat Ride

A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to take her own life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor saw her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look you have a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he puts his arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement"with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe." "Europe madam," said the captain "This is the Staten Island Ferry, "

My Boyfriends Stuck

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help" he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help. "She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Where's My Pen?

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.
A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."

White, Black and Plaid

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35."

She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: " much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He:"Well, that's a very special'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!

Castration by Bullet, by Fire and by. . .

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me.
You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man."Then we will burn your penis off!",

said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living". And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

An Elderly Couple

An older couple was sitting on the porch when all of a sudden the woman gets up and walks over to her husband and hits him so hard he almost falls out of his chair.

"What the hell did you do that for?"
"That's for giving me 50 years of bad sex"

A few minutes later the old man gets up and walks over to the wife and hits her so hard she almost falls out of her chair.

"What was that for?",
she asked.

"That's for knowing the difference"

Don't Miss Me

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"
"Don't miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

Little Johnny and a Story

In the class the teacher said, "Class, I want you to write a story with religion, mystery, royalty, and sex involved.
Two minutes later Johnny shouts, "Finished!"
"Alright then, read it to us," said the teacher, amazed it took such little time.
And Johnny replied, "Oh My God, the Duchess is pregnant, who did it?

Little Johnny and the Word Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange depending on the weather."
Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.
Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course not!!!" "OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants," said Johnny.

Blue Ribbon

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!
He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

Stuck in a Fence

Two cowboys, one from Texas and the other from Oklahoma, were riding the range, as cowboys are born to do, when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Well, the temptation was too much for the Texas cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep. Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his companion from Oklahoma if he wanted some. "You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head into the fence.

All Men are Created Equal, But Women. . .

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what you're'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.


A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great display of condoms.
The son asks, "Dad, what's the three pack for?" Father replies, "That's for when you're in high school: two for Friday night - one for Saturday night."
The son asks, "What's the six pack for?" Father replies, "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday night - two for Saturday night - two for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks, "What's the 12 pack for?" "That's for when you're married. . . one for January . . one for February . . one for March. . ."

Proper Golf Etiquette

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress.
Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

T. G. I. F.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Flying First Class

Don Allen took me to lunch at the St. Claire Club in San Jose. He told me this joke to pass along to you:

This cute blonde entered the airplane and sat down in the First Class Section. The stewardess came up to her and learned she did not have a first class seating ticket and asked her to move. "I'm young, cute, and blonde, and I'm not going to move, " she responded.
The stewardess went and got the senior steward, who went up to the the blonde and told her in a stern voice that she did not have a first class ticket and to move to economy. "I'm young, cute, and blonde, and I'm not going to move, " she responded.
The senior steward went and got the co-pilot, who left the cockpit, went up to the blonde, introduced himself, and explained the policy of the aircraft; then told he she had to move. "I'm young, cute, and blonde, and I'm not going to move, " she responded.
After all of this, they then went to the captain, and asked him to talk to the blonde. He went up to her, introduced himself, then leaned down and whispered in her ear. She immediately jumped up and went into the economy section.
They asked the captain what did he whisper to her to get her to move so quickly. "I just told her the people in the first class section were not going to New York City."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was going to visit her grandmother, so she put on her little red dress, her little red socks, and her little red panties. Her mother said, "Little Red Riding Hood, take care on the way to Grandma's because if you run into the Big Bad Wolf you know what he'll do to you. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*** the little red socks off you."

Little Red Riding Hood said, "Don't worry Mama, I'm bringing my shotgun." And off she went along. On the path to Grandma's house she met a woodsman. He said, "Where are you going Little Red Riding Hood?" She said, "I'm going to visit my Grandma." He said to her, "Take care on the way to Grandma's because if you run into the Big Bad Wolf you know what he'll do to you. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*** your little red socks off." She said, "Don't worry Mister. I've brought my shotgun." And off she went.

After traveling down the path a ways, who should jump out in front of Little Red Riding Hood but the Big Bad Wolf! He said, "Aha! Little Red Riding Hood, you shouldn't have come this way on your journey to visit your Grandma. Because, now you know what I'm going to do to you. I'm going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*** your little red socks off." Little Red Riding Hood looked at the Big Bad Wold, pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on the path, spread her legs, pointed the shotgun right at the Big Bad Wolf and said,
"Oh no you're not! You're going to eat me just like the book says!"

Henry the Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Ding, Ding, Ding??

Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the brotherhood. The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then ties a little bell to their penises with some string. "If your bell rings," explains the head monk, "then you are not fit for the brotherhood."

A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a sensuous dance, but the bells don't ring. Her dance gets more and more erotic, but the bells don't ring. She starts to peel off her clothes... 'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the bells.
The head monks faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for the order. Pick up your clothes and leave us." Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes. 'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.

Parrots in Prostitution

A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

Buying Condoms at Aisle 3

A 60-year-old man goes into a big drugstore and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure! What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Next, a 30-year-old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3, PLEASE. CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3"

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Superman

Superman goes to to Spiderman's house and says, "Hey Spiderman, you want to go pick up some chicks." Spiderman says, "Oh man, I can't, my web's not working.
So Superman says well I'll just go see if Batman wants to go. Superman arrives at the Batcave and says, "Hey Batman, you want to go pick up some chicks." Batman says, "Oh man, I can't, my batmobile is broken, I have to fix it."
So Superman says, "The hell with y'all, I'll just go pick up some chicks by myself. So Superman is flying over Metropolis, looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on top of her apartment building. So Superman says to himself, hey I'm Superman, I'm so fast I can fly down there, get me some and be out of there before she knows what hit her. So sure enough, Superman flies down, takes care of business and is out of there in a blink of an eye. Wonder Woman jumps up and says, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but it sure did hurt!!!"

A better health plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Rodman's Endorsements

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS

A Dead Cow and A Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Jed and Luke

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rockingback and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Yo’ Mama’s so fat. . .

* she looks at a menu and says, "Okay!"
* she has her own zip code.
* the phone company gave her two area codes.
* people jog around her for exercise.
* when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please".
* she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
* her belly button's got an echo.
* she qualifies for group insurance.
* when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI!" * I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
* when she dances she makes the band skip.
* when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
* when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
* when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy!"
* the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds

Yo’ Mama’s so stupid. . .

* she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico. Yo' Mama’s so ugly. . .
* when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
* her American Express card left home without her
* the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down.
* I took her to the zoo, and they said, " Thanks for bringing her back."
*They filmed "Gorilla's in the Mist" in her shower.
* Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
* your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye.
* she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.


There are two guys in a gym, and one is putting on a girdle. "Since when have you been wearing a girdle," says his friend. "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of the car."

Dumb Female

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----TEST----Tickles."

Blondes walk into a bar. . .

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that had written on the box '2-4 years,' and we finished it in 51 days."

I'll Do Anything

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

Blondes and Intelligence

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge!


Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband works for a Silicon Valley start-up. I never see him. He is never home. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be."

Man's 25 Rules for Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a ---- in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man. OR * A Male's Response * So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

Life Expectancy

A young woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"If you don't do the following", said the doctor, "Your husband will surely die".
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch, make him a nutritious meal, and for dinner prepare him an especially nice meal".
The doctor continued,"Don't burden him with chores, as he probably has had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him. And most importantly have sex with him whenever he wants it."

On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.

West Valley College has a new dean

A female, who came up with these new courses to "become a real man."

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas winter: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook Spring:
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an Ass When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down winter:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest- You Don't Look Like Tom Selleck- Especially Naked

MEN 220 Omitting @#%^&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay

Lars and Eric

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land outside of Placerville as far from humanity as possible.

Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. No computers. No internet. No telephone calls.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.
Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

The Blonde

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

The Brunette

A brunette goes into a doctor's office:

Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.

Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!

Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde?

Brunette: Why yes!

Doctor: Your finger's broken.

Lady Golfer

Four veteran lady golfers played every Saturday at La Rinconada in Los Gatos, teeing off precisely at 7:00am. Unfortunately, one of them moved away. They were talking about who would replace her at their Saturday games.

A young woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group? I am new, but I am really learning how to play this game"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The veteran lady golfers were very impressed, invited her to join their group, and bragged about how they how taught this young novice how to play so well. She was also a lot of fun and the veteran lady golfers enjoyed her company.

Happily they invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.

By now the veteran lady golfers were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a Chardonnay from Testarossa after their round, and the oldest of the group asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy.

Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." One of the veteran lady golfers asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

The Blonde and the Attorney

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window. But the lawyer persists and says the game is easy and fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Your turn," says the lawyer. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers -- to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

George the mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

So which condom would you use....?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:
Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: For friends and family
Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

3 Golfers

Did you hear about the 3 golfers who were complaining how expensive it is to play golf and how they had to buy off their wives to let them get out on a Saturday morning?

First guy says, "Gosh, it takes a new diamond every birthday so she'll let me get out of the house." Second guy says, "Yeh, I had to buy her a condo in Malibu to keep mine happy. At least she lets me out." They turn to the third guy who says that it doesn't cost him anything. "Yep, every Saturday morning, I roll over in bed and say, 'Intercourse or Golf Course?' and she says, 'Hit the links!'"

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

Living Together

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?
Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir: You leave the house. I watch house.
He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with ME.
Fall out of tree, not see.


Is sex work or play?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know of 20 sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, = experienced..for the 20 answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work 20 and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the 20 ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and = knowledge...A 20 Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be 20 so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were wife would have the maid do it."

Ha Ha...

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" "Well, your name never came up..." she replied.

February End of Month Sex Tips----

Thank you Nanette. You must have remembered our January tip: Sex for one is not that good, but two is great. Three is for younger couples and four is too many in one bed. Five is a "porno movie." Here is End of Month February--- Sex is good. Even when sex is "bad," it is still good. Especially if it is in your memory, because you always remember the real good sex. Take Ginseng in liquid or pills or in tea, so you don't forget how good sex can be!!!!

Martian Couple

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Dear Dr. Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;' cinsely ous mdyl

Yo' Momma is so ugly---

* they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.

* when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

* condom advocates wanted to use her as a poster child. and yo' momma is so fat and ugly---

* the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

* It doesn't matter to your father what position she is in, to him it is always "doggy style

Susan's dream date

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?", she asked. He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"

Diane Monnie wrote:

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

6 shots of Jagermeister

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when" He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

A Slight Dalliance...!

A very elderly French couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife

"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed sadly:

"Yes. Yes, he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye the husband asks

"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she admits: "You."

Three blondes

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."


Mrs. Schwartz hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schwartz tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schwartz asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schwartz pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schwartz says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Fire Department

A young man just out of college, joins the San Jose Fire Department. On his first night, after being gone for four days, he says to his Wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "We're going to run this house the same way". When I say:
Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
Bell 3, we're going to have sex.

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1!," and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2!," and his wife jumped into bed. "
Bell 3!," and they began to have sex.

After two minutes his wife yelled,
"Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose!" she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Doggie Style

Two San Jose State professors are car pooling on Highway 85 and KCBS says there is a traffic accident ahead, so they turn off on Saratoga-Sunnyvale Road to get back home. Going down the street, one of them points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, holding a Ph.d in History, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The engineering professor, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the history professor says, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a Margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The engineering professor thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the next morning, the two San Jose State professors are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go? To which he replies, "It was great. But it took six Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Sombody coming

An 18 year old University student moved into an apartment complex. He was putting his name on his mailbox when he head a door open in the hallway. He glanced towards the door and saw a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe. He tried not to look at her as she got her mail, but she engaged him in conversation. As they talked she turned to look up and down the hall and her robe opened slightly and he noticed she is wearing ONLY the robe. They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in her apartment, she moves seductively and her robe falls to the floor. She then says to the wild eyed young college student, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body?" He says breathlessly, "Your ears." She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this sculptured backside, look at my long lean legs. How can you say my ears?!" He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming? That was me."


Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.? Because the poor woman is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some actually joined in the fun. One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm outstretched.? "Stop", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her.? "Have you got a valid registration for your vehicle, madam?? Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him, so he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

Three nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.


An old Jewish couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in! "

Do you know what Nevada Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind..... Start going nice and slowly...... Then you take her hair in your hand and pull her head back......... And whisper in her ear.......... "Your sister was better than you"......... And try to hold on for 8 seconds!!!


An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget." The Esther considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. Then Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The Esther says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

The Hippie

A hippie gets into a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course, says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went there dressed in a robe and with some glowing powder," said the driver, "you could tell her that you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well, the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule, the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out in hiding dressed in robe and glowing with a mask of god and says, "I am god, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie quickly agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "I am the hippie." The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "I am the bus driver!"

Thirty years ago

The couple had been married for thirty years. On their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. The husband was lying on the bed when the wife came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had done thirty years before. Standing seductively before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking thirty years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry!" "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

Your friend came over

A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

Annual Medical Examinations

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Do you know the difference

Do you know the difference between the Italian wife and a Jewish wife? The Italian wife told her husband to buy Viagra. The Jewish wife told her husband to buy Pfizer.


You can now get Viagra 3 different ways: Regular strength, extra strength, and Presidential strength.


Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to make a Shiva call."

Legal Age

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater." "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."


A little old lady, who looked in her eighties, visited an adult novelty store on Bascom Avenue in San Jose. She went up to the salesman and asked him if they sold any rubber penises. The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size. "Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked. A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round- d?" Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big." D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does." "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"


A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!" They were shocked and asked "Why??" "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

The Date

Mrs. Rapoport and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at the senior citizens high rise. "So, Mrs. Rapoport. What's new?" "Vell" said Mrs. Rapoport, "Last night I vent out vith Mr. Stein, and he vas such a gennelman. Vhy, ven he came to the door to pick me up, he brought roses. Then ven ve vent out to eat, such a gennelman. He ordered lobster vith all zee trimmings. Ven ve vent home, he held zee door for me, but ven ve got into mine house, he ripped off all my clothes, dragged me to the bedroom and had his vay vith me..." "Oh, my goodness!" said Mrs. Schwartz. "Why, I have a date with him tonight! What do you think I should do?" "Vell, if I vere you, I vould vear old clothes..." ..

Forces of Nature

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and looks around as the brunette escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is startled and looks around, while the redhead silently slips away. By now the blonde has it all figured out, and the guard brings her forward. The executioner asks if she has any last requests, she says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!"

Just Married

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her Mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before...Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" and the new bride began to sob over the telephone. But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?" "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!" "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK


How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied? Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.


Why can't blondes be pharmacists? They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.


Two blondes are standing on each side of the street. One yells over to the other: "How do you get to the other side?" The other blonde yells back, " Oh, how stupid! You are already over there."

Sex with Aliens

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake. Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien: Me: May I touch that? Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years. Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it. Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

Dinner with parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner and meet her parents for the first time. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells the boy that after dinner she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is so ecstatic that he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
Since it is his first time, he asks the pharmacist for some advice. The pharmacist helps him for about an hour and tells him everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he would like--a 3 pack, 10 pack, or the family pack. Well, since this is his first time, he figures he'll be getting pretty busy and asks for the family pack. That night he goes to his girlfriend's house. His girlfriend opens the door and asks the boy to come in. She says, "I'm so excited that you are going to meet my parents!" The boy sits down at the table with the parents and he immediately offers to say grace. He bows his head and begins saying a prayer.

A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer. Ten minutes pass and the boy still has his head down and he is still praying. The girl leans over and whispers in his ear, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy answers, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist!!"

Acute angina

This 85 year old grandfather was at the shuffleboard tournament when he noticed a foxy 80 year old grandmotherly type. He started to make his moves and one thing led to another and they finally went back to his place. She said that she had to go into the bathroom and get ready so he hopped into bed to await her return. While she was in the bathroom, she remember that she had heart trouble and thought that she'd better warn him to go easy on her. In her altogether, she stepped out of the bathroom and said, "I've got heart trouble. In fact, I have acute angina!" "Well, you'd better," replied the old guy, "'cause your tits sure are ugly!"


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A: A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Q: Why don't redheads like plastic vibrators?
A: Too frail for endurance.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde whore and a redhead whore?
A: After the blonde, you put antibiotics on your dick. After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bite marks on your shoulders and scratches on your back.

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.

No cigar!

After all the fuss was over, Monica Lewinsky met a nice man and got married. On the first night of the honeymoon, the newlyweds consummated their union. Afterward, her husband turned to her with a smile and said, "Well, Monica, was that the best experience of your life?" She thought a moment, then turned and with a wistful look answered, "Close, but no cigar."


This guy walks into the 49er bar in downtown Elko, Nevada and orders a Calistoga water. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?". The guy says, "I'm from Milpitas, California" "Mel-pete-ass?!?!?" The bartender exclaims, "What do you do in Mel-pete-ass?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Burned out

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."


Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a S N A G." Another guy says, "What's that ?" Larry says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a D I N K." A girl at the bar asks, "What's that ?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Trixie, and I am a W I F E." Larry says, "A W I F E ? What's a W I F E ?" She says, "Oh you know, that means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

For five dollars...

An elderly Irving Schwartz and the widow Esther Cohen were sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The Mr. Schwartz, a widower himself, says to Esther, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget." The Esther considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. Then Irving says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The Esther says, "No, I want it four times in the rocker."

Girl chat

The wives of four world leaders are talking together about what a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a missile, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

While the wife of Clinton says, in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Two elderly ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks ? Do you still get horny ? The other replies, Oh sure I do. The first old lady asks, what to you do about it? The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver. After a few moments, the first old lady asks. Who drives you to the beach ?

A fly drops six inches

A fly is flying six inches above the Lake
A fish sees the fly and says "If that fly drops six inches I've got myself lunch."
A bear sees the fish and says if that fly drops six inches the fish will grab it I'll get the fish and have lunch.
A hunter sees the bear and says if that fly flies six inches lower the fish will grab it the bear will grab the fish I'll shoot the bear and get a trophy.
A mouse sees the fly and says if that fly drops six inches the fish will grab it, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have lunch.
Meanwhile a cat has been watching all this.

Suddenly the fly drops six inches. The fish grabs the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, drops his sandwich, the mouse grabs the sandwich, the cat runs after the mouse, jumps and misses and goes right into the lake!

What is the moral to the story?

When a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet!!!

A cowboy from Elko

A cowboy from Elko had been caught by some Indians in Winnemucca in the 1800's and was about to be executed when they asked him for any last request. So he walked over to his horse and whispered something in its ear.

The horse took off madly over the hills and then came right back with a beautiful naked blonde on its back. The cowboy took the blonde to a tee pee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, amazed, agreed again. So the cowboy walked over to the horse and whispered in his ear again.

The horse took off and then came back with a beautiful naked redhead. He takes her into another tee pee and has sex with her. He comes out and once more asked to talk to his horse. The Indians once more agreed. So he walked over to the horse and whispered something else into its ear.

The horse took off and then came right back with a beautiful naked brunette on its back. The cowboy took the brunette to a tee pee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, totally amazed by this point, agreed again.

So the cowboy walks over to the horse and says, "I'm only going to do this once more, now read my lips, 'posse'"!

Farm house

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!


Two women were sitting at the kitchen table on a Friday afternoon. One woman looked out the window and saw her husband coming up the walk carrying a huge bouquet of flowers. "Oh, damn," she moaned, "here comes Arthur, home from work early with two dozen red roses and baby's breath and a huge bow. This means I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!" "Why," asked her friend, "don't you have a vase?"

Worlwide message

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money. . but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother, it's important!!!"
The man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes, ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees," She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She unzips and he then says," Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands and stares at it.

The man somewhat impatiently says, "Well, go ahead!!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, says: "HELLO, MOM?"

Asian Wedding Night

An Asian couple gets married-and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her Chinese husband undresses.
He climbs in next to the Vietnamese girl and tries to be reassuring: "My darring-I know dis you firt time and you flighten..., "

the Chinese husband says, " I plomise you, I give you anyting you do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

"You wanna beef with bloccolli???"

Golf lesson

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."

Mother and daughter talk

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary ask Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?" Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad

Police Officer

A man was driving home late at night. He was also driving above the speed limit. He noticed a police car [with its lights whirling] in his rear view mirror. He says to himself, "I can outrun this guy." He floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy sighs aloud and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The officer let him go.


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