Jokes in General

In this section you will find a wide selection of jokes of all kinds. Be ready to have fun and enjoy. Don't forget to close the door of your office, you might not want your boss to know that you are having fun at work.

Quotes

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look at a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

"Love is blind, Marriage is OK, divorce is the eye-opener!"

Ethnic

IF WE COULD SHRINK THE EARTH'S POPULATION TO A VILLAGE OF PRECISELY 100 PEOPLE, WITH ALL EXISTING HUMAN RATIOS REMAINING THE SAME, IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere and
8 Africans
70 would be non-white
30 white
70 would be non-Christian
30 Christians
50% of the world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people
(All six would be citizens of the USA)
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
80 would live in sub-standard housing
Only 1 would have a college education

Nature

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" Bee #1 asks.
"Not too good," says Bee 2. Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't we go down the corner and hang left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee 2 buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later bee apears to his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," he answers. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Inner-Racial

An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigman and informs his father that he has found a wonderful new, Jewish girldfriend and they are getting married. Naturally the father is upset. "Why don't you find a nice Indian girl?" It's not right for Indians to marry out." Anyway, I am sure that her parents feel the same way. Surely they are not thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law! "Not true!" replied the brave, "They like so much that they have already giving their daughter a new Indian name". "What name is that?" asks the father. "Sitting Shiva." Hey, if you don't know what a shiva is,
e-mail nanette@ziplink.net

Lewinsky

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after the operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine Miss Lewinsky." he said. She asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor." The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Quotes

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Nymphomaniac

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards the his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying today?" She turns a smiles, and says, "To the annual Nyphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." Whoa! He swallows hard, and instantly CRAZED with excitment! Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she is going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks onto his eyes, and says, "well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who romance women the best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

New Barbie dolls hit the market just in time for Christmas

Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

To Hungry

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I`ll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10.You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Halloween Party

10. Jack-o-lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman's head.
9. A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza, and wins Best Costume.
8. As you are walking up to the door, your free Haloween Light from Fry's goes off just before you step in something.
7. You find out the hard way that the fog coming from the food bowl is not from dry ice, but from out of control sterno
6. They're serving haunted pancakes.
5. So-called ghost is just the old guy from the 1-800-collect commercials.
4. You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says, "I'm Ross Perot, you bastard!"
3. It's your first Halloween party in prison, and you're the door prize.
2. A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John Bobbitt.
1. You see the guy dressed as President Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife.

The World's Shortest Books

29. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
28. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
27. The Wit and Wisdom of Mike Tyson
26. Tobacco Company Marketing Ethics
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Oakland - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men #8. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
7. "Diplomacy for the '90's" by Saddam Hussain
6. "Good Things an Ex-Wife Has To Say About Her Ex-Husband!" by Mary Ann Kennedy
5."Getting Along with Technology" by Ted Kaczynski
4. "Guide to Cheap Housing in Silicon Valley" by Larry Fargher
3. "No Bugs Software Introduced by Microsoft" by Steve McNally
2. "Milpitas Travel Guide"
1. Queen Elizabeth's Guide To Public Relations

Hats

Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Oakland Raiders hat over one breast. The second guy, a Green Bay Packers fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The third, a Dallas Cowboys fan then placed his hat over the woman's crotch. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Raiders hat and quickly placed it back on the appropriate man's head. He then picked up the Packers hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Dallas Cowboy hat then put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Dallas fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Damn, boy, I just can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Cowboy hats, there's an asshole under it."

How to prepare for the ski season:

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

How bout dem cowboyz!

1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?........A huddle.
2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?......The police.
3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
4. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.
5. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
6. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System": "Yes your Honor", "No your Honor".
7. The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year: 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
8. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
9. How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? Studying their Miranda Rights.
10. Michael Irvin may lose his job as wide receiver. The parolee containment device on his leg slows him down too much.

The Top 16 Things Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally

16. "If they make us do one more friggin' Macarena, I'm converting to Judaism."
15. "You guys up for happy hour at Hooters after we're done here?"
14. "One more chorus of 'Kumbaya' and I'm gonna blow chunks!"
13. "Man, I see the Washington Monument in a whole new light"
12. "Excuse me -- When does Minister Farrakhan come on?"
11. "I'm more of a Promise Breaker. I'm just came for the free nachos."
10. "Somebody get some ice, Senator Thurmond's beginning to decompose."
9. "Say, brother, is that a covenant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
8. "One more hug from you, Bob, and I PROMISE I'll kick your ass!"
7. "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
6. "Promise, Schmomise -- where's all the babes?"
5. "Oh great... They bring a million bibles, but only twenty rolls of toilet paper."
4. "I haven't seen so many men cry since Pamela Anderson left Baywatch."
3. "Lord of mercy, all these people and no one to convert."
2."Hey, isn't that Waldo?"
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally...
1. "I love you, man! But you're not getting my Budweiser."

If Star Trek Were Real Life

Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity and selfishness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology On Star Trek, the doctors have hand held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your butt shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter, It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies. "Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday."
Holodeck, For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Phasers, I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession space defense is credible. Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity. Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
Shields, I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up:
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.

Good luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon "

12 inch BIC

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

The Analysis

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow is still sore. I guess I'll hafta go see my doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a new computer down at the drugstore that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. You just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00!" Ken figured, why not? He filled a jar with his urine and went to the drugstore. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited his $10.00. The computer started making noises and various lights flashed, then after a minute, out popped a slip of paper. On the paper was written:

You have tennis elbow, Soak your arm in warm water,
Avoid heavy lifting It will be better in two weeks.

That evening Ken continued to marvel at this amazing technology and how it would change medical science forever. Then he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, poured in the mixture and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made its noises and flashed its lights. After a minute out came a much longer slip of paper. On it was this analysis:

Your tap water is too hard, Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms, Get medicine from the Vet.
Your daughter is using cocaine, Get her into rehabilitation.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls, They aren't yours, Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better.

Condom Sense

Two old women were sitting on a park bench, chatting and smoking cigarettes. Suddenly, the skies opened up, and it began to pour with rain. One of the little old ladies reached into her bag, rummaged around a bit and pulled out a condom. She carefully opened the wrapper and slipped the condom over her cigarette. She was able to continue smoking as she chatted with her friend. Old lady No. 2 was quite impressed and asked her friend what it was that she had placed over her cigarette. "This is a condom, and you can buy them in any drugstore." Old lady No. 2 hurried off to the nearest pharmacy and peered over the top of the pharmacist's counter. She made her request, and the pharmacist, somewhat taken aback asked, "What size would you like?" The woman scratched her gray head and replied, "Makes no difference to me as long as it fits a Camel."

Buying Condoms at Aisle 3

A 60-year-old man goes into a big drugstore and walks up to the girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says "Sure! What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Next, a 30-year-old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3, PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3, PLEASE. CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3"

Q & A

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in a turkey.

How do you get an elephant out of the Safeway Grocery Supermarket?
Take out the S in the word "Safe" and the F out the the word "Way."

What's old,wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.

Which of the following doesn't belong? ...Meat, eggs, wife or blow job? A blow job, because you can beat your wife, eggs or meat, but you can't beat a blow job.

Why did Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate?
One to do it, the other to moan.

Why does Miss Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for twats.

If God didn't mean for man to eat pussy, why did he make it look like a taco?

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub?
Throw the laundry in.

How can you tell when a girl is horny?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like a horse eating oats.

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?
If she sits on your face and you can't hear the radio.

What did the nun say to the priest who was teaching her how to swim?
"Father, will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

What was Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner.

What's blue and comes in brownies?
Cub Scouts.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
The joystick is wet.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? Because she blows the horn!

Why don't schools in Alabama teach driver's ed. and sex ed. in the same day?
It's too much work on the horse.

What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?
A slow poke.

Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
Air supply to the brain.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Do you know what it's called when three hundred men white men chase, a black man?
The PGA

Lists & Quotes

Rodney's Lines

THESE ARE GUARANTEED TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE---but YOU HAVE TO READ THEM ALL AT ONE TIME-----

A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over, there's nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off Tuesday.

One day as I came home early from work and I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy Hey, buddy, why are you doing that? He said, because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said, "Alright. You're ugly, too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said. Look - ins!

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

And we were poor, too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Theory on Management

When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football ...

When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis ...

When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf ...

Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

Some Popular Philosophies

Man who screw girl on hillside, not on the level.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
He who walks through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who puts dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers!!

Top 10 Ways the Tobacco Companies Can Improve Their Image

(from the Letterman show 5/7/97)

10. Sponsor inspirational youth singing group: The Nic-O-Teens.
9. On all tobacco warning labels, randomly insert the word "wacky."
8. Start selling something a little less dangerous, like crack.
7. Distribute bumper-stickers that read "I'd rather be coughing."
6. Have Marlboro man come out of the closet.
5. In all public statements, replace the word "tobacco" with the much funnier sounding "tobacky."
4. Offer troubled teens "guns for smokes" trade-in.
3. New series of ads in which Joe Camel wears "The patch."
2. Replace surgeon general's warning with, "smoke up, you crazy bastards!"
1. Re-name nicotine "Vitamin N."

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
And the number one reason!
1.You can do the whole neighborhood!!

Letterman's TOP TEN Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the #1 Thing That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Isn't:
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there.

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his goods.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Women understand us better than we thought. . .

"Men get laid, but women get screwed"
- Quentin Crisp (english writer)

"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows"
- Frederick Ryder

"Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal.

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?"
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Campbell(English actress)

"Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette."
- Ernestyne White

"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
- Sanskrit proverb

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation."
- Jane Wagner

"MARCH ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB."
- Anonymous

"Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last."
- Remy de Gourmant (french writer)

"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses"
- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment"
- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"
- Carrie Snow

"You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate."

- Carrie Snow Pick up lines

1- Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2- Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw
3- Just call me milk, I'll do your body good
4- Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
5- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock 6- That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too
7- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous
8- Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants
9- I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter
10- If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town
11- Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

What's your sign?

X-Rated----Very strong language!!!! I recommend you read your sign first, before seeing the others.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think your are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Books

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunt's in My Pants
15. Oh the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
17. The Grinch's Ten Inches

A Survey; If a Woman had a Penis for a Day

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and found they had a penis for a day. The following responses were taken from the survey:

1) I would walk around and prod him all night long with it. Whatever he is doing, I'd be there prodding him with it.
2) I would write my name in the snow.
3) I would go into my boss' office, lay it on his desk, and say, "Where is my raise?"
4) I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him, and tell him to roll over and try something new.
5) I would want a big one so I could show it off to everyone.
6) I would grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
7) I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
8) I would measure it both ways.
9) I would pee off of a tall building.
10) I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
11) I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
12) I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
13) I would love it, and squeeze it, and play with it all day long.
14) I would demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
15) I would pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
16) I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot. 17) I would go into an adult bookstore and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what works the best.
18) I would jump up and down so I could watch it swing all around. 19) I would see how many donuts I could carry with it.
20) I would check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes.

Two Most Embarrasing Moments Seen in New Women's Magazine---

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now* I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee las night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

How to Identify where a Driver is From:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: Californiawith gun in lap...in LAX.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Iowa, but driving in California.

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Houston, Texas

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Dallas, Texas

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

A car doing 110 miles an hour, swearing about the traffic at 5am in the San Francisco Bay Area and black ice in Tahoe, listening to country music very loud, and thinking anyone from California is crazy: Winnemucca, Nevada

Little Johnny in class

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Propper Grammar Day

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Friday Question

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See 'ya on Tuesday!"

Sexual Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

An old man, a young boy and...

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow.
Old man says "I'll get my hat."

Famous Quotes

One Friday morning in Hillsborough, CA, a young teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She began with, "This was England's finest hour." 10 year old Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher. You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy!" "Very good" said the teacher, "You may go." Plainly Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, 10 year old Leo said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon hearing this, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Grinning from ear to ear, Leo rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. See you Monday."

Campain

A guy runs out of gas on Highway 17. He can't find a call box, but luckily a truck stops by. "Need a lift?" asks the driver. "Yeah." replies the man. "First, are you voting for Al Checchi for Governor." The stranded man says, "No, Gray Davis." The car speeds off. A black Hummer pulls up and driving it is a guy with diamonds on his fingers, smoking a big cigar. "Looking for a ride? " Yep," replies the stranded man. "Are you voting for Al Checchi in the Gubentorial election tomorrow?" Thinking fast, he says: " Jane Harman?" The guy speeds away. On Highway 17, he waits, and to his best luck, a Porsche pulls up. In the Porsche is a long-legged, absolutely gorgeous blonde wearing a very tight, extremely short leather mini-skirt. "Need a ride? " "Oh yeah," replies the man. "Okay, but first who are you voting for Governor tomorrow" " Al Checchi, " he responds. " I'm voting for Al Checchi." "Hop in," she says, smiling at him. Suddenly, right before Lake Vasona, he bursts out in laughter. "What's so funny?" she asks. Well," says the man, "I've only been in Al Checchi's camp for five minutes and already I feel like screwin' somebody!"

Kids

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, soaking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. Meyer marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Jewish Fly

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen. He is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her. He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish Fly in the back. The bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder. He says to the man, "We are all out of Spanish Fly, but this is Jewish Fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" The man forks over $10 and asks the bartender to mix the Jewish Fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments. The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly, but about 20 minutes later she slinks off her barstool. She saunters across the room in a most seductive manner, oozing sensuality. She reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear. He can feel her breath on his neck as she whispers, "Hey big boy .. want to go shopping?"

Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Polish men and 1 polish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.......
The 1 Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
The 2 American men decide to vote on who gets the woman. The vote ends up a dead heat and both are currently awaiting the results of a runoff...
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The two Polish men couldn't find the Polish woman.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few pints of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Camping Alert

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement : In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. Grizzly droppings are easily identified :they have tiny bells.

The Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a tampon.

Song

To the tune of Our Favorite Things, from the Sound of Music...

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our passover things.

Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with whellbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

The other occupant

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How did you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied John. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, said 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

I'm very hi-tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart

Greetings" How the fuck are you?"
Fraud" I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay" Oh, fuck it."
Trouble" Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression" Fuck you."
Disgust" Fuck me."
Confusion" What the fuck...?"
Difficulty" I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair" Fucked again."
Exasperation" For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment" This is fucking great."
Hostility" I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity" Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence" He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance" Fuck if I know."
Displeasure" What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost" Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief" Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation" Up your fucking ass."
Surprise" Fuckin A!"
Surprise "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion" What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt" Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Famous quotes:

"What the fuck was that?" --Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" --General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" --Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." --John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" --Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." --Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." --Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" --Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" --Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" --Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." --Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" --Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" --Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." --Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." --John F. Kennedy

The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word FUCK! Use it regularly in your daily speech. It will add to your prestige

Sexual statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Circumcised

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

All drugs have a generic name

Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Aspirin is acetylsalicylic acid
And so on...

So what's the generic name for Viagra?
- Mycoxafailin

Africa

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.

" Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock.

"That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks.
Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari hunting, and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!"

Blow job rate

A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Winnemucca. In the coach were a cowboy, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blow job." The cowboy looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn between the running lights. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The cowboy holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blow job goes for two dollars."

The Seven Dwarves

The Seven Dwarves were on vacation and visiting the Vatican. While there they were noticed by a priest who came over to them and said "Are you guys really the actual Seven Dwarves?" Happy replied "Yes we are, the real and only Seven Dwarves" The priest then asked "If you guys are really the Seven Dwarves, the Pope will want to meet you. Would you like to meet the Pope?" The dwarves were thrilled to have the chance to meet the Pope so they quickly agreed. The priest led them into a private waiting area where they waited until the Pope came in to meet them. The Pope said "I am so happy to meet you guys, I have been a fan of yours for years!" Doc replied "Thank you very much Your Eminence, and while we are here do you mind if we ask you to settle an argument for us?" "Certainly not, ask your question" said the Pope. It was Grumpy who then asked "Ok, here is what we need to know. Are there any dwarf nuns at the Vatican?" The Pope replied "Sorry, there are no dwarf nuns here I'm sorry to say." Doc then asked "Well, how about elsewhere in Europe? Any dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe?" The pope whispered something to his aide and the aide shook his head no. "I am afraid that there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe that we know of". Dopey jumped in and asked "There must be some dwarf nuns somewhere!" The Pope shook his head and said "The truth is that there are no dwarf nuns in our faith anywhere at this time, sorry" The Seven Dwarves all gathered around Dopey yelled "We told you! Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

RETIREMENT

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when,
of its own accord,
From my trousers
it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job
Just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.

For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head in shame
And watch me tie my shoes.

Vets

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet & said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up & has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's fucking heavy," says the vet.

Blind date

A guy has a blind date with a girl and they go to a carnival. "What would you like to do first?" said the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. So they went over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it said 117. So she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When they finished the ride, the man again asked the girl what she would like to do. I want to get weighed." she again responded. So they went back to the weight guesser, and since they were there before, he guessed her correct weight and she won nothing. The couple walked around some more and again the guy asked her what she wanted to do. Again, "Get weighed!" The guy figured she was really weird and dropped her off early with just a handshake. The girl went inside and her roommate asked her "How did it go?" The girl responded, "Wousy"

An oldie, but a goodie.

Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes." he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great" he said, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

An Italian Vacation Instructions for reading:

---- Read in an Italian accent.
I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !

Single

A man walks round a supermarket. As he goes through the different sections he picks up one of everything: one tin of beans, one carrot, one potato, one pint of milk, one pizza, one juice, one apple, one box of crackers, one bag of chips, etc. He gets to the checkout and the girl says "I bet your single, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you guess?" he replies. "Cause you're such an ugly son of a bitch." she says.

Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other tree replies that he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. One tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a peck at the small tree. He replies, "It is neither, a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Pet store

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a gonif...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashonah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was no place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say,they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the schul on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish nor Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Dates

Molly: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffer and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Then ve go se a show.... let me tell you Molly, I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ! So then we are coming back to my apartment, an into an ANIMAL he turns.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"

Molly: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta."

Al Davis's Recruiting Examination

Time Limit: 3 Weeks ( pen or pencil or crayon is acceptable )

Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? ___ (a) Jewish ___ (b) Catholic ___ (c) Hindu ___ (d) Polish ___ (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)_______

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners ___ (b) Southerners ___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and
Clinton Bush: ____________________________________________ Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from? ___ (a) Macy's ___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada ___ (d) the sky

12. Do you know the name of the U.S. President? ___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. Is Vice-President Al Gore the Vice-President of the United States?
Yes______ No________

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Do you take your hat off when the National Anthem is played? Yes_______ No________ I Don't Wear a Hat________

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York ___ (b) Florida ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. Does John Madden announce on:
Fox (channel, the football network )__________
MTV ( the music television station )________
HBO ( the move channel )__________

21. Do you like Al Davis? Yes_________ Yes_________

22. Are you a fan of the 49ers? No__________ No__________

23. Do you know your right had from your left hand? ( you have three minutes to answer this ) Yes_______ No _______
Need more Time: _______

24. It is the first down, and you need ten more yards, if given the football, what would you do?
Run________ Throw_______
Catch________ All of the Above_______

25. Oakland is ( Choose one ) :
Near Alameda__________
Next to Piedmont_________
In Northern California_______
A city in the United States_______

26. The Mayor of Oakland is:
Jerry Brown______ Pat Brown _______ Willie Brown _______
All of the Above______ None of the Above_____ I really could care less___________

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify to become an Oakland Raider.

Story with a moral

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Today's Stock Market

Report Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Welcome Home

In 1921 my grandparents emigrated from Russia due to the pogroms driving the Jews out of the country. Their emergence was adventurous in itself. Eventually they arrived at the docks. Everyone who was boarding the boats for America had to show fifty dollars before they were allowed into America. My uncle, who was in America, sent the money to my grandparents. While they were boarding the boat my grandfather noticed a little boy crying hysterically. My grandfather went over to him. The boy told my grandfather that he lost his money and would not be allowed into the country. My grandfather gave the small boy, whose name was Isadore Feterman, his fifty dollars. Once they arrived in America my grandfather had to contact my uncle and tell him that he needed more money. My grandfather had to wait several days. Eventually everyone was allowed in the United States. Fifteen years later my grandfather was at his junk shop. A limousine pulled up and out came two men. They asked for Benjamin Lasensky. My grandfather replied that it was he. The man introduced himself as Isadore Feterman and handed a blank check to my grandfather. He said "I owe my success and happiness in America to you. Fill the check to whatever amount you desire," (Isadore was a well-known millionaire.) My grandfather called my uncle and told him. My uncle said "Just fill it out for the fifty dollars we gave him." Some years passed and they lost touch again. Several years later, my grandfather's cousin was living in New York where Isadore Feterman lived. It was my grandfather's 85th birthday. My grandfather's cousin looked up Mr. Feterman and invited him to my grandfather's party. He replied, "I wouldn't miss it for the world." So, Isadore Feterman came to Granpa's 85th birthday party and it was a pleasant surprise for my grandfather. Isadore told everyone there the story of how he came to America.

In today's business enviroment

In today's business environment we must make note of the strategies and profound insights given to us by our war veterans. The Rules of Combat 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 10.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 12.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 13.When in doubt empty the magazine. 14.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 15.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. 16.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, then you can't get out. 17.Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 18.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 19.Never fire your flame thrower at the enemy helicopter hovering above your fox hole. 20.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: OAKLAND RAIDERETT'S IN THE NUDE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: STORY CAN BE TOLD: TROY AIKMAN IS GAY! Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE! LARRY KING LIVE: CLINTON TELLS ALL ABOUT AFFAIR WITH MONICA LEWINSKY
KPIX: THERE WILL BE NO NEWS AT 11PM

Fiance

A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?", and the father answers, "He has no job and no plans... but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Ben & Jerry's new Jewish ice cream flavors:

Wailing Walnut
Moishmallow Mazel
Toffee Lehitra
Oats Rashi
Road Chazalnut
Olive Hashalom
Oy Ge-malt
Cherry Bim
Cherry Bum Bubble
G'mora Mi
Ka-mocha Lemontashens
Soda & Gomorra
Manishta Nut
Balak Berry
Lubavicher Resberry
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Cashew Le'Pesach
Chuppapaya
Butter Shkotz
O-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America---We can accuse our president of not telling the truth about an affair---and his popularity grows.

Air conditioning

It was a sweltering August day when the three Greenberg Brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford.
"How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo." "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled.
One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:

Delta twin-engine

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a Cal student. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the Cal Student looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The Cal Student smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

The Lottery Winner

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery, BIGTIME!"

The husband says "Holy Cow, sweetheart, that's GREAT! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't give a damn, just get the hell out of here!"

Little Johnny in class

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Propper Grammar Day

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Friday Question

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See 'ya on Tuesday!"

Sexual Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

An old man, a young boy and...

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow.
Old man says "I'll get my hat."

Small guy

A small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The huge dude looks down upon the small guy & says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints. The huge dude picks up the small guy & brings him to, by slapping his face & shaking him & asks, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The huge dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around.'"

Custer's Last Thought

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The arist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mind set during the debacle at the Little Bighorn. Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after months of work, the painting is unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist says, "It's simple. Custer's last thought had to have been, 'Holy Mackerel! ... Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'"

"Ain't it the truth"

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'mthe most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed toput the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

Skier's Fantasy

There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.

They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.

The three men agreed to take it.

In the middle of the night, all three woke up.

The man on the left said, "I had a dream that some one was holding my dick!"

"Same here!" said the man on the right. "Strange," said the main in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Union Member

One man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the forth was a Union Member.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Union Member and said, "What can your dog do"?

The Union Member called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, fucked the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Airline trip

A small boy and his mother were taking an airline trip to Grandma's house. The child, who was full of questions, turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, if cats have baby cats, and dogs have baby dogs, then how come big airplanes like this don't have baby airplanes?" His mother looked perplexed, and said "Gee, Honey, I don't know. Here comes the stewardess, why don't you ask her?" The child waited until the stewardess was close by, and then ran down the aisle to her to repeat his question. Upon hearing his query, the stewardess gazed back to the child's mother, who was watching the whole thing with a smirk on her face. "Honey,' said the stewardess 'Did your Mama tell you to ask me this?" The child nodded his confirmation. "Well then, Dear..you tell Mommy you know the answer. Tell her I said it's because Northwest -always- pulls out on time!"

The Rough and Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting by a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie. Each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of talltales begins: THE FIRST COWBOY: "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands" The 2nd, could not stand to be bested: "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15ft. rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed it with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I am still here today." The 3rd remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Two Mutes

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Easter Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went filing all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carry the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it. There also may not be an Easter because of this. What should I do? " The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Florist friars

Some friars at the Los Gatos Novitiate were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop in downtown Los Gatos to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so - thereby proving that . . . Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

WARNING -- WARNING -- WARNING -- WARNING

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.

Two tents

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Positive

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Neutron

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Mushroom

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!

Role Model

If the Americans want a role model for their children, they should appoint an "Archbishop of Washington", and then they won't have to expect their President to be a monk. And they should appoint a "King of Washington" to open buildings and confer honours on faithful servants. And they should appoint a "Prime Minister" to shake the hands of Boy Scouts and kiss babies. And they should leave the President alone to run the country.

FROM: THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. TheRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".

House

After Brett Favre dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Brett a little two-bedroom house with a faded Packers banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Brett. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Brett looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Colorado flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge orange Denver Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and John Elway gets a mansion with brand new Broncos banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment, then, with a smile, God says, "That's not Elway's house, it's mine."

Gerber Boy

Seems there was this nasty biker they call "Gerber Boy" riding his Easy Rider right out of Elko, Nevada, when he spots what he thinks is a snake crawling across the road. This Hombre thinks to himself, "I'll cut that snake in two," and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a snake, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! This Hombre's front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH. Well, when he arrives in Hell, and I don't mean, California. He is in Hell and it is very hot. And who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?" The Hombre biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!" The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, this Gerber Boy, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?" Still Gerber Boy responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me before I became sober of those hot rides in Marin County in California on those hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the Hombre proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time as we all took a run into Death Valley. There were nine of us, but only two made it without their bikes over heating. This Gerber Boy was one of them. I love it!" Now the Devil is just plain really annoyed, angry, steaming, really ticked off, about ready to blow his top, but at the last minute, decides to trick him and to do the opposite ....so he turns the thermostat all the way down to "off." The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?" With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

BARBIE

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Here is a list of States with the State Motto's.

Maybe you are from one of them:

Alabama: At least you're not in Mississippi.
Alaska: Colder than a polar bear's patoot.
Arkansas: Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...
California: Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal!
Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only.
Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
Hawaii: Try our lei-away program.
Idaho: And don't even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes!
Kansas: Toto isn't here anymore.
Maryland: The best place to get crabs.
Massachusetts:
Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums.
Michigan: Where cars used to come from.
Mississippi: Elvis was born here, but heck, even *he* left.
Missouri: We love company...
Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it.
Nevada: Two to one you'll come again!
New Jersey: Waste not ... send it here instead.
New Hampshire: We boil sap too.
North Carolina: Furniture out the wazoo.
North Dakota: We wish we even had sap.
Ohio: The pillow state -- round on both ends, hi in the middle -- and full of fluff.
Oklahoma: Rather Sooner than Later.
South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS.
South Carolina: Settled by prisoners, what do you expect.
Tennessee: To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!
Vermont: We boil sap. Washington: If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid.
West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die.
Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic.

Why?

Why did Ted Kacznski try to hang himself with his underwear? His legal briefs did not work.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY -

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. -
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. -
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" -
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! -
Darn, there go the lights again... - "
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. -
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! -
What's this doing here? -
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change....! n Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Best patients

Three physicians were talking about who was the best patient. The first one said a millionaire because they would pay anything to have a successful operation. The second one said a healthy, well-exercised patient who was not overweight and had regular check-ups with good preventative attitude as they were the easiest. The third physician said he preferred attorneys. Attorneys!!! the other two screamed. Yes, they have no heart or spine. More importantly, their brain and rectum are interchangeable.

Erev Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town. The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing. Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill( they said) at fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!" So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -- To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown. The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops, While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs. We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights, Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs, And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs. At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate, Past bakeries and markets and shops and cafes, In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!" We chose "Hunan Chazer," and ventured inside. Around us sat others, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy: There was roast duck and squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shu and shrimp chow mein, too. And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu.... When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table just like a parade. Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great big bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled. And while this went on, we became fully aware Every diner around us had started to stare. Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking; Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking. So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils. We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore And half of our dinner wound up on the floor. We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell, Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well, We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks, And called to our waiter to bring us two forks. We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched. We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched. We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food." And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write down this rhyme... Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick-using technique). The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"

45 Authentic Country and Western Songs

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 1
0) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
15) Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Feel like a woman

A passenger plane on a cross country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. All are sure the plane will crash and they will die. At the height of the storm a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman! Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back and a muscular man starts to walk to her seat. As he approaches her he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles ripple even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She nods, wordless. The man then hands her his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this."

The Top Ten X-Rated Dr. Seuss Books

according to David Letterman:

10. The Cat in the Blender
9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Fox in Detox
7. Who Shat in the Hat?
6. Horton Hires a Ho
5. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
4. Aunts in My Pants
3. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
2. The Grinch's Ten Inches and the number one:
1. Green Eggs and Monica Lewinsky ( use your imagination )

Indians ride bareback

An attractive woman from New York was driving through Utah and made it to Nevada, right out of Elko, when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to Elko. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local Chevron dealer right by the Red Lion Inn, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the Elko Chevron attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

Proud of their Alma Mater

A lady has a physical with her small town's new doctor. After a cursory exam he notes that she has an unusual rash on her chest in the pattern of a "D". He points this out to the woman. Embarrassed, she shyly explains that her husband goes to bed wearing his old Delaware State sweatshirt instead of pajamas. Sometimes when they make love, he keeps his sweatshirt on. This must have caused the rash. This makes sense, and so the doctor dismisses it without a thought, until some weeks later, another female patient seems to have a similar rash. This time the rash is in the shape of an "M" on her back . Again, he asks about it. After a lot of encouragement, she quietly replies that her boyfriend wears his Michigan State shirt to bed. "Say no more, I understand completely", he says to relieve her modesty. Later, he again runs across a further example of an alphabetical rash that looks like a "W" on a married woman. "Did your husband attend Wisconsin State University?" he asks at the end of the checkup. She is startled at the strange question. "No, Minnesota State. Why?"

Agreement

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then the female whale becomes less cooperative. "Wait", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Ice Cream

The penguin's car has been running rough for weeks, so he finally decides to take it in and have a mechanic check it out. "Can you have a look at this? It's running really rough," he says. "No problem," replies the mechanic. "But I won't be able to get around to it for a half-hour." Rather than sitting in the shop's rather unpleasant waiting room, Penguin decides to take a stroll down the street, where he happens upon an ice cream shop. Not having eaten all day, he orders a triple scoop of vanilla, which he consumes with reckless abandon. "Man, that was good," Penguin says to himself with a mess of ice cream dripping off his beak. When Penguin arrives back at the shop, the mechanic greets him with the bad news. "It looks like you blew a seal," he says, nodding his head. "Oh... no... that's just ice cream," replies Penguin.

Viagra

Phil goes into the doctor's office, and tells him that he would like to have four Viagra pills. The doctor looks at him, and says "Why do you need 'four' Viagra pills?" Phil replies, "Well, I have four dates tonight, one at 6 o'clock, 8 o'clock, 10 o'clock, and one at midnight." The doctor says ok, and gives him four Viagras. The next morning, the first person the doctor sees when he walks in his office is Phil all hunched over with his arm in a sling. "What the hell happened to you? I thought you had four dates last night." Phil looks up at him, "None of them showed up."

Annual physical

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?'" Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Difference between Blue Cross and HMO

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" He says, 'What's going on?" She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?", so he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"

Speech Impediment

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok,what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

The Princess of the Nineties

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened to stumble upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought......... "I don't fucking think so."

Bathroom Walls

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. On the wall of a men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. Beauty is only a light switch away. -Men's restroom. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. Men's restroom. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! -Woman's Restroom. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -Women's restroom.

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where. If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? I still like the new Eli Lily Basketball Endorsed Viagra---Magic Johnson. I sure wish I had one of those.

To be hung

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Chain Letter

Dear friend: This chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired and unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you have seen, this one does not cost any money. Simply send a copy of this letter to four of your married friends who are tired and/or unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. Someday you will be on top. When your name comes to the top, you will receive 16,847 men....and some of them will be dandies. Have faith in this letter and do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her old man back. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 365 men. They buried her yesterday and it took seven undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

Fairy Tales World

Snow White saw Pinnochio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Helga

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some drycleaning. "Gudness, it's hot," she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?" Helga went in & sat at the bar. The bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?". Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker??"

Magic Frog

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it? The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place. The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story. "Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help sole your dilemma. You must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog says 'NO', your penis will be 4 inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, and sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "No." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter! "WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great!" But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?". The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "No!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed and shouted, "This is fantastic!" He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time." Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! .... and for the last time, NO!"

California Highway Patrol

A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Santa

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Headache

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. "Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes? "Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat? "Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job. "The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Familly relations

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough." A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire.....

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky

Oakland Raider Cap

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead body. Out of respect and propriety, the 49'er fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Bronco fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Oakland Raider fan took his cap off and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the 49ers cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Denver Bronco cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Raider cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Raider fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised, normally when I look under an Oakland Raider hat, I find an asshole."

Divorce Court

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey replied, "No, I said she's fucking Goofy."

A new bull

A small rancher in Elko, he only has about 50 head of cattle, was talking to his son out by the barn one evening about bringing in a new bull to get some new blood going in his little herd. The bulls of the place heard him talking, and had a meeting amongst themselves about the prospect of a new bull coming in. The first bull starts with, "I don't know what the old man's thinking, there's only 50 cows here, and 30 of them are mine. I'm not about to share any of mine with a new bull!" The second bull, "I haven't been here as long, and don't have as many to share either. I say we make it tough on a new bull, and don't give him any!" The third bull, "I've only been here about six months, and there's only five cows that even like me. I can't even afford to share any, and also say we don't give up any cows to a new bull." About a week later, a big fancy semi-truck pulls up in the yard, the driver hops out and climbs to the top of the trailer and drops the gate. Out struts the biggest, baddest, meanest Brahma bull they've ever seen! He's got horns that stretch at least nine feet, a hump on his back bigger than their bellies, and when he looks out at their cows, he doesn't look through the fence but over it! As the new bull starts pawing the ground and bellering to show his dominance and readiness to breed everything on the place, the first bull says, "You know, I've been thinking. Maybe we shouldn't be as hard on the new bull as we were thinking. Maybe we should do what's right, and share our wealth with him." The second bull replies, "Yes, I believe your right. We should be more civilized, and help him adjust to his new home by sharing what we have." The third bull bust out of his stall, runs out into the middle of the yard, and starts pawing and a bellering back at the new bull. The first two bulls are shocked, and yell out to him, "What do you think you're doing? If you pick a fight with him, he's going to tromp you like a newborn calf!" The third bull replies, "Fight? Who said anything about a fight? I just want to make sure that HE knows that I'M a bull too!"

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

Interpretations

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance 1. A tomato 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they had decided was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a tomato. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to grow things to eat. To prove this statement you can see the next drawing resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that had a famine hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It says 'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT TOMATO.'"

Real Cowboy

An old cowboy from Elko, dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps, took a train ride to San Francisco. He went into one of his old spots and was surprised to see a lot of women, and it looked like he was the only man there. Nevertheless, he went up to the bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy from Elko, Nevada. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," confessed the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A short while later, another girl sat down next to him, and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Proper service

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no Goddamn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this Goddamn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

"The Bulge"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once........"

Nursing Home

I visited my father at Mission Skilled Nursing Home in Santa Clara. He has been there for almost four years now. I see him about three times a week and so frequently that I have gotten to know many the patients pretty well....especially John. John was with it when he first came in, but he has really changed since arriving. Over time he got to know me, from playing Bingo, the recreation meetings, and then later as he stayed in his room or the hallway instead of coming to the recreation hour at 2pm, he would always say hello to me. One day I saw John in his wheel chair with a really depressed look on his face and I asked him, "What's the matter?" John's response was, "My dick died." I went along with this, because the patients always tell me something right out of the blue. "Oh, I am sorry about that," I told him. His response once again was, "My dick died." I smiled and went on to visit my father. A few days later I was back at Mission Skilled Nursing home for another visit with my father. John was in his wheelchair in his room. I could see him, so I ducked my head in. I noticed right away he was exposed. I said, "Do you feel a draft John?" He just looked up, seemingly puzzled and said, "What?" I raised my voice, as I do with all old people, thinking they don't hear very well, and said, "John, your penis is hanging out of your pajamas." He looked at me, straight in the eye, and said, "Well I told you my dick died right?" And I responded, "Yes." His response, "Well today's the viewing."

Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU DOING?!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

English and Hebonics

The Tiburon School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." Sample Usage Comparisons:
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Chinese Name

I met a Chinese man whose name was Abe Schwartz. I asked him if he was Jewish and he said "No, when I first came to this country I was in the immigration line and the man in front of me said his name was Abe Schwartz, and when they asked me my name I said 'Sam Ting'."

Financial Crisis grows worse...

According to inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Veterinarian

A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, out of breath "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

Tel Aviv

Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv. (So nu, you were thinking maybe he'd move to a kibbutz?) Wanting to contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading, the only vocation he knows. But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself ... a camel. Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to his new office in Ramat Gan. One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is gone... stolen! He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The first question is "What color was your camel?" Marvin replies he doesn't remember, "Probably camel colored I guess... sort of brownish-greyish." "And how many humps on your camel?' asks the policeman. "Who counts humps... one, maybe two, I don't know for sure." "And the height of the camel, sir?" "What's with these dumb questions? Marvin asks. "The camel was about three feet taller than I am. So maybe 9 feet, 10 feet. I can't be certain." "Just one last question to complete my report, sir. Was the camel male or female?" "Ah, that I know for sure he was a male." "How can you be so certain of his sex when you don't remember anything else about your camel" asks the policeman. "Well," says Marvin, "everyone knows he's a male. Every day I'd ride the camel to work through the streets of Tel Aviv and people would stop and say to each other .... 'Look at the schmuck on that camel!' "

Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Portugee were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a new San Francisco building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off". The Mexican says "If I get one more burrito, I'm jumping too". The Portugee opened his lunch and said "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too". Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The Portugee opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much". Everyone turned and stared at the Portugee's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".

THE SKIER

As you may know, in a slalom ski race, the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. The day of the final came and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 39.4 seconds, and the Italian at 39 seconds. Then cam the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited and waited. . . SIX MINUTES!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli, "Which of those degenerates fixed a mezzuzah to each gate?"

Meeting

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" he asked. "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news". "What's the bad news?" "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra.

Apartment Complex

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

New Viagra Version

Eli Lily has come out with their version of Viagra, a new super product, endorsed by a famous basketball star. It is sure to be a big seller on the marketplace: The new Viagra Brand Name...Magic Johnson!

VERY SHORT BOOKS---

as you might hear on Johnny's Show

1) A Guide to Indonesian Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Doc Severson
3) Days and Nights Without Sex by Bill Clinton
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
8) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
9) Popular Lawyers
10) Working benefits for employees by Al Checchi

Mechanic Class

This gynecologist has always been fascinated by cars, and decides to take an evening course in auto mechanics. He thinks the course is going well, but is stunned by his final report of 150%. He asks the instructor, who replies: "Well, I gave you 50 points for stripping an engine properly, and 50 more for putting it back together properly--and a very clean job, I might add. "And I gave you a 50 point bonus, because I've never seen anyone rebuild an engine through the muffler before.

Wishes

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on the front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

THE 90'S VERSION OF THE FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Army

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that.
Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then.
He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

Currency exchange

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week.
The lady says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Microsoft Corporation

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

Chicken 2000

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. Bill Clinton: I have never had sexual relations with that pullet, Miss Chicken. And as time goes on, I promise full disclosure so I can get on with the job the American people and their children elected me to do. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

MICROSOFT NUKES WASHINGTON -

Submitted by A. K. Smith

------------------------------------

REDMOND --World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington, DC (not Washington State) were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft shares rose 12% for an all time high, while confidence dipped in the US government (GOV), lowering its shares by 3% for one day drop in market capitalization of $800 Billion.

MICROSOFT to Acquire LDS Church -

SALT LAKE CITY (AP)- In a surprise move that left competitors stunned, Microsoft has followed up its successful merger with the Roman Catholic Church by announcing a cash buy out of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In recent weeks, high officials of the LDS Church (more commonly known as the Mormons) had been rumored to be in negotiations with both Novell and Lotus, but the Microsoft move came as a complete surprise to most industry/religious observers. With much of Microsoft's competition based in Utah, many current employees of WordPerfect and Novell commented (anonymously) that they would feel morally obliged to jump ship to Microsoft. Novell is countering by pointing to non-competitive clauses in senior personnel's contracts, and urging conversion to the Reorganized LDS Church (RLDS), with whom Novell has entered into hasty negotiations. Microsoft spokespersons officially denied any intent to pirate Novell employees with this move, though they indicated that they were willing to sell Novell their Eastern Rite Catholic subsidiaries to avoid anti-trust action. According to the official press release, Microsoft CEO and Pontiff Bill Gates said, "We've been hoping to acquire the Mormons for a long time. They're a fast growing organization with a large, mobile and highly dedicated sales force, which will work synergistically with our worldwide Catholic retail outlets. More importantly, we're acquiring the LDS "convert-the-dead" technology which we will incorporate into OLE 3.0 (scheduled to arrive in the next versions of Windows and Windows NT, currently code named "Rome" and "Jerusalem" respectively)." Gates went on to say, "This will expand our user base to generations of users who never before had the chance to purchase Microsoft products." Microsoft insiders who declined to be quoted predicted record profits from requiring deceased church members to purchase annual upgrades in order to maintain their eternal salvation.

Heavenly Contest

Despite becoming a $50 billionaire, Bill Gates dies and his soul wanders from his body, but does not know where to go---up or down. Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who gets Bill Gates. This goes on for a few hours until Bill Gates gets this idea to hold a contest using Windows 98. They all came to an agreement to have God as the judge. They set themselves on their computers and begin. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out! I wish I had bought the power UPS back-up on sale at Fry's!!!!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished! He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! He didn't have that power back-up from Fry's. How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everyone knows... Jesus saves

Microsoft

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non- propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptable Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."