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...what they mean
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American Leasing

Kit Menkin


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Jokes about Personality types, Bumperstickers & senseless jokes


. . .a cork in your ass?

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, "No Shit?"

Take Me to Your Leader

Two aliens land in the Arizona desert near a small gas station. One alien approaches a gas pump and demands, "Take me to your leader or be vaporized!" The gas pump makes no response. The alien, brandishing his weapon, repeats his demand. "Take me to your leader or be vaporized!" Still no response from the gas pump. Just then, the second alien pulls the first alien aside and whispers to his buddy, "I don't think you should threaten this one so harshly." The first alien replies, "I know what I'm doing. We have to assert our superiority." The alien then returns to the gas pump and again demands, "Take me to your leader or be vaporized." When the gas pump still refuses to respond, the alien fires his laser causing the pump to explode violently. The explosion throws both aliens over a mile out into the desert. Badly shaken, the aliens pick themselves up and start to brush off the dust and sand. "Wow!" says the first alien. "That being is incredibly strong. How was it that you knew he was so powerful?" "Well," responds the second alien, "I figured any guy that can wrap his dick around himself twice and stick it in his ear was bound to be a tough son of a bitch!"


The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.

Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

Choosing A Costume

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his penis. The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sourpuss, I'm going as a dictator".

Three Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

The Octopus and the Bagpipes

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc... So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gallepsie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off"

Damn Voices

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "Fuck."

Olie and "Friends"

Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the Elko morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the Elko mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had ass holes ." "What? He had 2 ass holes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 ass holes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 ass holes!"

The Witty Store Clerk

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager. Not realizing that the customer had followed him, he told the manager, "A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon." He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly added, "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half." The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure. "I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation." He told the clerk. "Veracruz!" said the clerk, "Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores." "My wife comes from Veracruz!" responded the boss. "Oh," said the clerk. "And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?"

Milpitas Vasectomy

After having their 10th child, a Milpitas couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to Kaiser and the doctor there told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Oaky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Good Samaritan to get a second opinion. They thought the Kaiser doctor was crazy. The Chief of Staff at Good Samaritan was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he realized they were from Milpitas. The Chief of Staff then agreed with the Kaiser Doctor and also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Law of Relativity

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Men are like...

Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are all pigs.

Male Driver

A man driving on the highway is pulled over by a police officer on a motorcycle. The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?" The police officer says, "No sir...your wife fell out of the car a mile back". The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."


Green Side

A woman calls a contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He replied, "I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."


Scoring guide:
21 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop (Made the waiting list)
6 Correct - Moron (You're hired!)
3 Correct - Idiot (You qualify for an Admin of your own!)
0 Correct - Run for office


1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Answer:
2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Answer:
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? Answer:
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? Answer:
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? Answer:
6. How many outs are there in an inning? Answer:
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? Answer:
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. Answer:
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add
10. What is the answer? Answer: 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why? Answer:
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? Answer:
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? Answer:
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? Answer:
14. How far can a dog run into the woods? Answer:
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? Answer:
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? Answer:
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? Answer:
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? Answer:
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? Answer:
20. What was the President's name in 1950?



1. Yes
2. One
3. Twelve
4. The beggar is the woman's sister
5. He's still alive
6. a)Six... b)Zero - it's inning, not outing
7. He's dead
8. a) They didn't play each other...b) Casual attire required
9. Seventy.
10. White - it's a polar bear
11. Two
12. A fifty cent piece and a nickel
13. The match
14. Half way
15. One hour
16. Nine
17. Noah did the ark gig, Moses was the commandment guy
18. Meat
19. Twelve
20. Bill Clinton
There was no # 21. Don't know about that. Probably just to create controversy. Like getting 110% on a test.



Advice for the day

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children. "

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
#1 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!


1 EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2 SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3 CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4 TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5 INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6 CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7 WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8 FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9 ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10 CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11 SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
12 PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13 DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14 TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15 EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16 FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17 LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18 DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
19 DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20 CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
21 RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.


Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again
I just need some space....without you in it
Can you help me with my homework?If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as) a boy-friend
I don't know; what do I want to do?I can't believe that you have nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listenYou never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minuteI AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myselfI am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right thereWell, near there; I just want to get this over with
I'm just going out with the girls. We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm


It is just orange juice, here try it 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you My hand is tired
I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
I really want to get to know you better ...so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?Is my penis really that small?
You're the only girl I've ever cared about You are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so muchI am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24 hours I want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guys I am not circumcised


From Jay Leno

: What do O.J. and Monica have in common?
1) They're both in a scandal.
2) They both have aching knees.
3) They both have unexplainable stains on their clothing.

What's the worst thing Bill ever heard during sex? --
"Honey, I'm home!!"

What does Bill tell Hillary after sex? --
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

Three Presidents

Three presidents of the United States are on the Titanic. Reagain, Nixon, and Clinton. All of a sudden the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink. ( as a side note, the say the Titanic sunk faster than the move is long ). Anyway, everyone starts to panic. There is a lot of screaming. Reagan shouts, "Women and children first!" Nixon says, "Fuck the women!" Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"

Just some nonsense

I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.


Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
You don't have to worry about your sexual relations


The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fast balls.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
You have to wear ties. you can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."

Attention: Women!!!

Things NOT to say to a man in a very intimate moment:

1.I didn't know they came that small.
2. Wow, and your feet are so big
3. Ahh, it's cute.
4. Who circumcised you?.
5. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
6. This explains your car.
7. If you get me real drunk first.
8. Why don't we just cuddle?
9. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
10 Let me know when you're done.

"Male" Test

This is a modern "Male" test to find out the kind of "Male" you are. ( If you are not a male, please pass to your mate or boyfriend ) At the end of the test, report how many A,B,C,D questions you answered and that will tell you the category: a---great guy b---young, considerate but need some improvement c---teenager and/or fan of Howard Stern d---The television series "Men Behaving Badly" is looking for a role model, your it!!!

1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously: a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.

3. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

4. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

5). Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

6. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

7. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "That is not a cigarette..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Oh Monica!!! Oh Monica!!!"

8. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

10. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Hillary Clinton
c) Free Willy Clinton
d) Free condom with this survey.

Hallmark cards you will probably never see:

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got kinda snippy.

2. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry.

3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay Won't that be a laugh When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay.

6. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me.

7. Your computer is dead It was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows '95?

8. You totaled your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry?

A new Clinton list

Not seen before ( Leno says Clinton is getting so much action he has to spray his zipper once a week with WD-40 ). The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is Going Well

16 The President lets you ride on "Air Force One", if you know what I mean. 15 Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless Tuesdays." 14 You've just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.
13 "Oooh, yeah, baby -- I'll make you a White House Secretary... Assistant Chief of Staff... ohhh... Ambassador to Sweden!... Supreme Court Justice!!! Supreme Court Justice!!!"
12 The President has the Secret Service detail your '91 Taurus.
11 Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President's. 10 After your first "meeting" with "The Boss," you move up 2 tax brackets.
9 As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush money wasn't enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.
8 You get to sit on Gore's lap during the State of the Union Address.
7 You know the White House like you know the back of the President's head.
6 Your per diem is bigger than Peru's GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.
5 The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.
4 The Vice President isn't the only "stiffie" you've seen in the White House.
3 Performance review rated you a "10" in the category "Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks."
2 Al Gore's pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.

and the Number 1 Sign Your White House Internship Is Going Well...
1 It ain't Keats, but for Bubba, "Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac" is pretty damn romantic.


Q. What was Michael Kennedy's New Year's resolution?
A. Eat more fiber.

Q. How old was the tree that Michael nailed?
A. Fourteen

Q. What was Michael's approach to skiing?
A. Dead on

Q. What does a 14-year-old babysitter in Massachusetts and a tree in Colorado have in common?
A. They both got hit on by a Kennedy.

Q. What was Michael Kennedy's last words?
A. Timber

Q. What airline was about to hire John Denver?
A. ValuJet.

Q. When did Rock Hudson first learn that he had 6 months to live?
A. A Gerbil popped out of his ass and saw it's own shadow.

Q. What was Rock Hudson's background?
A. He was born in Indiana but reared in California.

Q. Who holds the record for the most holes on one? Greg Norman. Who has been hit in the face with the most balls? Rock Hudson.

Q. What do Princess Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
A. Tickets to the John Denver concert.

Lots of people think 27 year old Soon Yi Previn married 62 year old Woody Allen for his money... Actually, it was for the oral sex..
Woody eats Soon Yi, and an hour later he's hungry again.

Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy appear at the pearly gates seeking admission into Heaven. St. Peter says there's only room for one. Sonny says, "I got killed running into a tree while skiing." Michael replies, "So did I." Sonny says, "Well, I was famous and was in politics" Michael replies, "So was I." Finally, Sonny says, "I got to sleep with beautiful Cher." Michael tops him, saying, "Yeah, well I got to sleep with a beautiful cherry!"


Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to her people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ

( you won't see this on the David Letterman Show ):

10. Most of those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. 1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....

The final ten of the worst pick-up lines ( ones not to use ):

1- I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house
2-Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
3 If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
4 I love every bone in your body - especially mine
5 I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
6 You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy
7 Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me
8 Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams
9 Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long
10 Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo

Men are like...

Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory. Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips. Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long. Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong. Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last. How are men and parking places alike? The good ones are usually gone and what's left are handicapped. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are all pigs.


( my apologies to the ladies ):

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Barry Manilow album ( sorry, Barry, you are my favorite )
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs find you amusing when you've had too much to drink.
Dogs can't talk very long.
Dogs always love you, right or wrong.


This application must be answered in full prior to permission being granted to date my daughter. Remember all answers will be checked for valid responses. Please consult your life insurance agent to verify that all beneficiaries are current and additional coverage is applied for if needed prior to turning this application in. Name:_________________
Date of Birth:___________________
Home Address:_______________________________ City:__________ State:_________ Zip:___________
Social Security #:________________________________
Drivers License #:________________________________

Height:_________ Weight:__________ I.Q.:________ G.P.A.:___________College of Choice__________
Best Friends:________________ Tele Number__________

1. Do you have one male and one female parent? (Yes / No)
If no, explain: ____________________________________________ 2.

Do you own a van? (Yes / No)
a truck with over-sized tires? (Yes / No)
a waterbed? (Yes / No) (Note: if you answer yes to any of #2,
put down your pencil, discontinue application, and leave premises)

3. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
4. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? _______________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
5. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
6. Do you have an ear ring, nose ring, belly-button ring or tattoo? (Yes / No) (Note: if you answer YES to any of #6, put down your pencil, discontinue application, and leave premises).

7. Church you attend: (Yes / No) How often do you attend?_________

8. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest/pastor/rabbi? ____________________________________________________________

9. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone - ever - I promise.) A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the . . . ___________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone in my body I would want broken is my . . . ___________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place is in the _______________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is . . .
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her . . . ____________________________________________________________ (Note: If answer E begins with "T" or "A", put down your pencil, discontinue application, and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion is advised.) 10. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _____________________________________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE; UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTRICUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS.


When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

Women need a reason to have sex
-- men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)


Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notices when you get your haircut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

If Men And Women Swapped Genitals!!

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:-

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.
.. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

L.A. Driver's License Applications

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.


Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___ male ____ female _____
formerly male _______ formerly female __________ both ___________
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.
Please list: Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

[ ] Blonde
[ ] Platinum Blonde

[ ] Purple
[ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead

Please list shade of hairplugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
d) None of the above

(South Central resident).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) a Beamer,
b) a Lexus,
c) a Mercedes,
d) a Cabriolet.

If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones,
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual,
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16 We're working on that smell thing, too.
15 Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14 As seen on "COPS"
13 If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets 12 Not just for nooners anymore.
11 We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10 You rented the room, now buy the video.
9 Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8 We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7 Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6 We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5 It's Hookerriffic!
4 Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3 Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2 Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother and the Number
1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1 We put the "Ho" in "Motel"


When you have a minute, give this a try: (I tried it on MSWord 97) Open word, and type in: "I'd love to see you naked" (without the quotes) 1) Highlight the whole phrase 2) Go to the Tools menu 3) Go to "language" 4) Choose Thesaurus..... You will find someone at Microsoft has a good sense of humor.


Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion is not important.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. Desperately seeking shmoozing!

Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato Latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

New Bumper Stickers

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Sure you can trust the government! Ask any Indian!

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

"You Know You're From California When..."

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

If you don't have a gay friend, you are really odd.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance, and one of them is your son, and another, your daughter..

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

You drink beer no one on the East Coast will ever hear of ( unless you send them a six pack, and they must beg first ).

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs don't laugh at how you throw a ball.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:-

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis... 1. Repeat number 9

A response to the Men & Women from a woman!!!!

Subject: Men & Women

Q. How is a man like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you

Q. Why are hangovers better than men?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to


BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too

FEEDING DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper planning

PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

MILD AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED: A contradiction in terms

CHILDBIRTH PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE: When the baby's face turns red and she WARNING begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."


It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that woman over there is wearing a bra."

That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."


Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna- He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses. 7th Day

Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.

Presbyterianism - Those toys are mine because they were meant to be!

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Fatalism - He who has the most toys still dies.


Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".

Celcius and Fahrenheit temperatures:

what happens
C - F --
17 65 Weather is a little "nippy" in San Jose
15 60 People in Los Angeles put on sweaters (if they can find one).
13 55 San Franciscan's have an excuse for wearing an overcoat.
10 50 Silicon Valley residents tell each other " It is really cold."
4 45 New Hampshire residents go to outdoor concerts.
2 40 You can see your breath; all Californians put on heavy jackets and say it is "freezing."; Minnesotans go swimming.
1.5 35 New Hampshire residents think about wearing a jacket.
0.5 33 Swedes celebrate summer and hit the beaches topless
0 32 Water freezes
-1 30 You move your vacation forward to Hawaii.
-4 25 Ohio water freezes; Californians cover their fruit trees, but too late, as always; Minnesotans eat ice cream; Canadians go swimming.
-6 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City water freezes; California's go to bed early, which marks start of high birth rate to elementary schools six years later.
-10 15 Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
-12 10 You insist the cat sleeps with you. And dog, too.
-15 5 Californian's stay home and don't go to work: too cold
-18 0 Alaskans put on T-Shirts.
-23 -10 Cars don't start; Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-26 -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo; Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects; Miami residents cease to exist.
-29 -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you; Politicians actually do something about the homeless; Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
-32 -25 Too cold to think.
-34 -30 You plan a two week hot bath.
-38 -38 Californians move to Mexico; Minnesotans button top button; Canadians put on sweaters; Scientists around the world celebrate since Fahrenheit and Celsius thermometers finally match.
-45 -50 Congressional hot air freezes; Alaskans close the bathroom window. -62 -80 Hell freezes over; Polar bears move south; Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-65 -85 Ray Williams stops talking.
-67 -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

What's your favorite Color?

STOP!!!!!! Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on...

Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.

A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheardof. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.


What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a low-down, scum-sucking, garbage-eating creature, the other is a fish

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

What do you have if you have two balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside, a Corvette has pricks on the inside.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Don't know, we've never seen it done before.

A collection of Men's Bathroom Sayings

Some good, some bad, some really bad:

I. Why are you reading this?
The joke is in your hand.

2.We don't sell our beer,
we just rent it.

3.Any arsehole can piss on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!

4.The future is in your hands!

5. Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and sink.
But I come here to scratch my balls And
read the bullshit on the walls.

6. Now here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.

7. Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to ponder
I come here to shit and stink and
Fart like fucking thunder

8.Scrawled in BIG ANGRY **RED** letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"
Neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."

9. Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted Later
on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants!!!

10. Here I sit And contemplate.
Should I shit Or masturbate?

11. Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted Poem into bright creation - Oh,
the pains of constipation!
Hours have passed, I've merely parted Rump cheeks
and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!
Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can't shit a single turd?

12.Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

13. Sign in the toilet said
"Please use the ashtray."
Guess what was in the ashtray?

14. hear I sit in splendid bliss listening
to the dribbling piss suddenly a fart
is heard followed by a rumbling turd

15. Written at the very bottom of a
bathroom door in very small printing...
I had to lean WAY forward to read it... It said:
"You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!"

16.On a condom vending machine:
"This gum tastes like fucking rubber!"

17. This toilet paper is like John Wayne:
it's tough, it's rough ... and it doesn't take shit from anyone.

18. Do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal:
it makes them soggy and hard to light.

19. Not now, Scotty, I'm having a shit...

20.Here I sit in smelly vapor
I just ran out of toilet paper
I will not wait, I will not linger
Oh, what the fuck, I'll use my finger

More questions

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?


Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy her things,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.


Show up naked.



1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want to or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10.A feeling of control of your destiny

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.

Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle." Sample Usage Comparisons: Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly" Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks." English:

"Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach."
Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! What? I look like a sled?

Preferred Phrase
Old Phrase
------------------------------------------------------------------ * Perhaps I can work late
**** When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

* I'm certain that is not feasible
**** No fucking way!

* Really?
**** You've got to be shitting me

* Perhaps you should check with ...
**** Tell someone who gives a shit

* Of course I'm concerned
**** Ask me if I give a shit

* Are you sure this is a problem
**** Who the fuck cares?

* He's not familiar with the problem
**** He's got his head up his ass!!

* Excuse me sir?
**** Eat shit and die motherfucker

* So you weren't happy with it?
***** Kiss my ass

* I don't think you understand
**** Shove it up your ass

* I see
***** Blow me

* Yes, we really should discuss it
***** Another fucking meeting!!!!

* I don't think this will be a problem
***** I really don't give a shit!

* We will fund that lease as soon as possible.
**** I really could give a shit less because if I find the check, I"m going to tear it up, then shove it up your ass---and that's when you will receive it, you cocksucker!!!

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