Jokes about Personality types, Bumperstickers & senseless jokes
. . .a cork in your ass?
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, "No Shit?"
Take Me to Your Leader
Two aliens land in the Arizona desert near a small gas station. One alien approaches a gas pump and demands, "Take me to your leader or be vaporized!" The gas pump makes no response. The alien, brandishing his weapon, repeats his demand. "Take me to your leader or be vaporized!" Still no response from the gas pump. Just then, the second alien pulls the first alien aside and whispers to his buddy, "I don't think you should threaten this one so harshly." The first alien replies, "I know what I'm doing. We have to assert our superiority." The alien then returns to the gas pump and again demands, "Take me to your leader or be vaporized." When the gas pump still refuses to respond, the alien fires his laser causing the pump to explode violently. The explosion throws both aliens over a mile out into the desert. Badly shaken, the aliens pick themselves up and start to brush off the dust and sand. "Wow!" says the first alien. "That being is incredibly strong. How was it that you knew he was so powerful?" "Well," responds the second alien, "I figured any guy that can wrap his dick around himself twice and stick it in his ear was bound to be a tough son of a bitch!"
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
across the desert sand
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Choosing A Costume
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his penis. The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sourpuss, I'm going as a dictator".
Three Trees and a Woodpecker
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
The Octopus and the Bagpipes
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc... So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gallepsie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off"
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit
your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed
at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work,
the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house,
take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very
troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice
when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money,
go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells
his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the
plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and
rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells
him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the
roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the
man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes
the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms.
The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles
into number . . . 21.
Olie and "Friends"
Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the Elko morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the Elko mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had ass holes ." "What? He had 2 ass holes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 ass holes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 ass holes!"
The Witty Store Clerk
A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager. Not realizing that the customer had followed him, he told the manager, "A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon." He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly added, "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half." The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure. "I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation." He told the clerk. "Veracruz!" said the clerk, "Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores." "My wife comes from Veracruz!" responded the boss. "Oh," said the clerk. "And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?"
After having their 10th child, a Milpitas couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to Kaiser and the doctor there told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Oaky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Good Samaritan to get a second opinion. They thought the Kaiser doctor was crazy. The Chief of Staff at Good Samaritan was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he realized they were from Milpitas. The Chief of Staff then agreed with the Kaiser Doctor and also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Law of Relativity
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Men are like...
Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.
A man driving on the highway is pulled over by a police officer on a motorcycle. The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?" The police officer says, "No sir...your wife fell out of the car a mile back". The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
A woman calls a contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He replied, "I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."
Do they have a 4th of July in England? Answer:
Advice for the day
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children. "
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
Does this come in children's sizes?
21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
From Jay Leno
What do O.J. and Monica have in common?
the worst thing Bill ever heard during sex? --
does Bill tell Hillary after sex? --
Three presidents of the United States are on the Titanic. Reagain, Nixon, and Clinton. All of a sudden the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink. ( as a side note, the say the Titanic sunk faster than the move is long ). Anyway, everyone starts to panic. There is a lot of screaming. Reagan shouts, "Women and children first!" Nixon says, "Fuck the women!" Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"
Just some nonsense
I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
nudity is virtually always female.
THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY
Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
Things NOT to say to a man in a very intimate moment:
1.I didn't know they came that small.
This is a modern "Male" test to find out the kind of "Male" you are. ( If you are not a male, please pass to your mate or boyfriend ) At the end of the test, report how many A,B,C,D questions you answered and that will tell you the category: a---great guy b---young, considerate but need some improvement c---teenager and/or fan of Howard Stern d---The television series "Men Behaving Badly" is looking for a role model, your it!!!
A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously: a) Short
You time your orgasm so that:
Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
4. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
Today's sensitive, caring man is:
A prostitute is:
Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
8. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
Hallmark cards you will probably never see:
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got kinda snippy.
2. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay Won't that be a laugh When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay.
6. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me.
7. Your computer is dead It was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows '95?
8. You totaled your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry?
A new Clinton list
Not seen before ( Leno says Clinton is getting so much action he has to spray his zipper once a week with WD-40 ). The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is Going Well
16 The President lets you ride on "Air Force One", if you know what I mean. 15
Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless Tuesdays." 14 You've
just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.
the Number 1 Sign Your White House Internship Is Going Well...
What was Michael Kennedy's New Year's resolution?
Q. How old was the tree that Michael nailed?
What was Michael's approach to skiing?
What does a 14-year-old babysitter in Massachusetts and a tree in Colorado have
What was Michael Kennedy's last words?
What airline was about to hire John Denver?
When did Rock Hudson first learn that he had 6 months to live?
What was Rock Hudson's background?
Q. Who holds the record for the most holes on one? Greg Norman. Who has been hit in the face with the most balls? Rock Hudson.
What do Princess Di and Mother Theresa have in common?
of people think 27 year old Soon Yi Previn married 62 year old Woody Allen for
his money... Actually, it was for the oral sex..
Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy appear at the pearly gates seeking admission into Heaven. St. Peter says there's only room for one. Sonny says, "I got killed running into a tree while skiing." Michael replies, "So did I." Sonny says, "Well, I was famous and was in politics" Michael replies, "So was I." Finally, Sonny says, "I got to sleep with beautiful Cher." Michael tops him, saying, "Yeah, well I got to sleep with a beautiful cherry!"
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to her people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ
( you won't see this on the David Letterman Show ):
Most of those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
The final ten of the worst pick-up lines ( ones not to use ):
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house
Men are like...
Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory. Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips. Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long. Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong. Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last. How are men and parking places alike? The good ones are usually gone and what's left are handicapped. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are all pigs.
REASONS TO KEEP A DOG INSTEAD OF A WOMAN
( my apologies to the ladies ):
love it when your friends come over.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
application must be answered in full prior to permission being granted to date
my daughter. Remember all answers will be checked for valid responses. Please
consult your life insurance agent to verify that all beneficiaries are current
and additional coverage is applied for if needed prior to turning this application
you own a van? (Yes / No)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________ ____________________________________________________________
Church you attend: (Yes / No) How often do you attend?_________
8. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest/pastor/rabbi? ____________________________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone - ever - I promise.) A. If I were shot, the last
place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the . . . ___________________________________________________________
GREAT QUOTES OF MEN, WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS
a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
get laid, but women get screwed.
need a reason to have sex
love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for
a minute." What am I, a microwave?
you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love
you instead of laugh at you.
woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her
intelligence, eight times.
very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they
don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.Men
think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four
women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from
marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
take up too much space on the bed.
If Men And Women Swapped Genitals!!
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:-
Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Your wife and you agree, no more kids
Your son studies a lot in his room
Your son's finally maturing
You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Your wife's not talking to you
L.A. Driver's License Applications
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below: GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Stage name: ________________
indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:
indicate how many times:
you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.
the event of an earthquake, should you:
the instance of rain, you should:
indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
stopped by police, should you
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
When you have a minute, give this a try: (I tried it on MSWord 97) Open word, and type in: "I'd love to see you naked" (without the quotes) 1) Highlight the whole phrase 2) Go to the Tools menu 3) Go to "language" 4) Choose Thesaurus..... You will find someone at Microsoft has a good sense of humor.
PERSONAL ADS FROM THE 1998 JERUSELUM POST
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion is not important.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. Desperately seeking shmoozing!
Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch potato Latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
New Bumper Stickers
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Sure you can trust the government! Ask any Indian!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
"You Know You're From California When..."
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
Your family tree contains "significant others."
If you don't have a gay friend, you are really odd.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance, and one of them is your son, and another, your daughter..
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
You drink beer no one on the East Coast will ever hear of ( unless you send them a six pack, and they must beg first ).
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:-
Get ahead faster in corporate America.
A response to the Men & Women from a woman!!!!
Subject: Men & Women
Q. How is a man like a laxative?
Q. Why are hangovers better than men?
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving
Why do men die before their wives?
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper planning
PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
MILD AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED: A contradiction in terms
CHILDBIRTH PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE: When the baby's face turns red and she WARNING begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
a really good movie."
"That's women's work."
know how bad my memory is."
a guy thing."
I help with dinner?"
would take too long to explain."
going to be late."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
can't find it."
did I do this time?"
know I could never love anyone else."
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna- He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses. 7th Day
Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.
Presbyterianism - Those toys are mine because they were meant to be!
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Fatalism - He who has the most toys still dies.
WOMEN / MEN
Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".
Celcius and Fahrenheit temperatures:
What's your favorite Color?
STOP!!!!!! Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on...
Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.
A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheardof. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
is the difference between a man and a catfish?
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
do you have if you have two balls in your hand?
the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A collection of Men's Bathroom Sayings
Some good, some bad, some really bad:
Why are you reading this?
don't sell our beer,
arsehole can piss on the floor.
future is in your hands!
Some come here to sit and think.
Now here I sit, broken hearted,
Some come here to sit and think
in BIG ANGRY **RED** letters:
Here I sit broken-hearted,
Here I sit And contemplate.
Here I sit down, broken-hearted
I sit, I'm at a loss
Sign in the toilet said
hear I sit in splendid bliss listening
Written at the very bottom of a
a condom vending machine:
This toilet paper is like John Wayne:
Do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal:
19. Not now, Scotty, I'm having a shit...
I sit in smelly vapor
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how
far you've come.
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics
as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics:
Questions are always answered with questions:
I don't know the time"
"I hope things turn out okay"
"I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
"Anything can happen."
"May I take your plate sir?"
"It's been so long since you've called
"Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach."
I'm certain that is not feasible
Perhaps you should check with ...
Of course I'm concerned
Are you sure this is a problem
He's not familiar with the problem
Excuse me sir?
So you weren't happy with it?
I don't think you understand
Yes, we really should discuss it
I don't think this will be a problem
We will fund that lease as soon as possible.
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