Jokes about Irish, Jewish and Bars
Father O'Reilley is the only priest in the lonely parish in the Yukon. Bishop McNeill visits him to see how he's doing. Bishop McNeil says, " I admire the work you do with the fishermen, miners, Indians and campers; how do you do it in such a lonely place?" O'Reilley says, "As long as I have my ROSARY and a couple of martinis, I'm happy. Would you like a martini Bishop?" "Sure," says McNeill. "Rosary, will you make a couple of martinis for us??
Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
Gimme A Whiskey
Little Johnny walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The barmaid looks at Johnny and says," Hey, you're just a kid! Do you want to get me in trouble?" Johnny replies," Maybe in a couple of years, but for now I'll just take a whiskey."
An Irishman and a Pumpkin
Irishman is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, as he is passing
a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin
is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls
over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the
appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he
is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
Golfer and a Leprechaun
fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees
up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot
on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer,
and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says,
"Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three
wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I
have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well,
a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th
hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his
ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's
great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every
time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that
for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little
shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now...where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's Willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!"
guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, "go down the hall & make a right."
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders
what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the
bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again. This time the
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here?
You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet
and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out
of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
I Believe I Can Fly
guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York.
It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?",
the other replies, "it's also a very special bar." "Why is that?", the first guy
asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh,
and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the
first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from
the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump
out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back
up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him
a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are
Showdown at the Vatican
Please note you have to read this and not skip anything to get to the meaning of this story.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then...?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Hey, Hey big spender
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Two orthodox Jews
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even HAVE a penis!"
Luck of the Irish
Luck of the Irish? During World War II, the captured allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. Prisoners Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan had planned for months to acquire two steel files and now finally possessed them! On this particular night, they had chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. Stealthily they slithered to the gate with perfect timing so the guard was not near. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied, "Sorry for you, but I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for." Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for." Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Home for the Aged
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Jewish Home for the Aged in Florida, are curious about the latest arrival in their building, a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
A "joke" that is told in Israel...Is that whenever anyone goes to the ATM Machine...people say it's amazing...you "pray" at the wall...and money comes Out
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."
Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing Mah Jongg. The first lady says, "you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest, I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The next lady says, "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I am a nymphomaniac, but don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands, they don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." Well, says the third lady, " I too must confess something, I am a lesbian, but do not worry, I will not hit on you, you are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up and says, "I have a confession to make also.... I am a Yenta (gossip) and I have some phone calls to make."
A Jewish mother was walking her children when she was asked how old they were "The lawyer is three and the doctor is six".
A Jewish mother was standing at the seashore screaming "help! help! my son the DOCTOR is drowning!!"
How many people does a Jewish Princess need to change a light bulb? Three -- One to hold the ladder, another to hold her diet Pepsi and a third to fetch her Daddy.
Ah... but how many people does a Jewish mother need to change the same light bulb? Nobody, because for a Jewish mother it's good enough to sit in the dark.
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young goy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50.00, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the goy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats. "So where's the money?" she said. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost." "You fool! Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke...
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Shoot me first
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour ninety minutes long tops." They promise to grant him the wish, "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president. "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "shoot me first!"
A NINE WORD SUMMARY OF ALL JEWISH HOLIDAYS
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
honor of the Jewish Holiday of Passover, which begins Friday night at Sundown,
we bring you todays jokes on Jewish Holiday practices. Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
It was a hot day at Manifest Leasing in Minnesota. Helga decided she would leave the credit department early, rather than take all the heat in her non-air conditioned office. The town is small, so she walked home. "Gudness, it's hot," she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a colt beer." The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?
Tashlich is celebrated on the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashanah. You go to a running body of water, it can be a stream, creek or river, etc. and with a stone, or crumbs of bread, you say a little prayer and throw your misdeeds of the year into the running water symbolized by the bread, etc.
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:
ordinary sins, use White Bread
honor of Rosh Hashanah - The Jewish New Year which begins Sunday at sundown, we
present the following joke.
A SHANNA TOVA (Happy New Year) to all of our Jewish Joke members around the world.
the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements
in the synagogue.
I would prefer to sit in the:
If talking, which subcategory do you prefer?
Which of the following would you like to be near so that you might receive free
I want a seat located
4. I wish to be seated in a seat where:
I can see my spouse over the mechitza (a curtain or wall separating men and women)
do not place me anywhere near the following people:
THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT
THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble ... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd ..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle ... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab ... it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice ... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well ... all right ... I guess I'll come."
next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia ... so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ........... the other one."
Little old lady
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up the seat. The girl then takes out a fan and fans herself. The woman looks up And says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. Her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" "Chutzpah," she replies.
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Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony.
I can dream, can't I? I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me.I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.
Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch potato Latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
Jewish dietary law
to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
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