Jokes about Attorneys

The Rat Statue

A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak. "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around and looked in shock. "Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five? Sold!" He paid the merchant and walked out of the store. A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking. When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones. The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The merchant held out his hand for the fifty dollars.
The customer looked confused for a second, then realized. "Hell no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a lawyer here!"

Ass Lickin' Tiger

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger,"What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies,
"Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer. . .

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?" "And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

I Can't Believe These are Actual Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions ACTUALLY asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials in certain cases, these responses were given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyers & Mailmen

A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes.
The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"
"Yes," she replies. "What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool." ... pause ...
"Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer. . .

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train... The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world. Nowhere in the world can you find Vodka as good as the kind we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and threw out the half-full bottle. The others seem quite impressed by the wasteful display. Then the Cuban takes a box of Havanas, lights it and begins to smoke, saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the entire world.
Havanas!! Nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the remainder of the box of Havanas through the window. Once again, everybody seems quite impressed. The American looks at the lawyer stands up, opens the window and shoves out the lawyer.

Lawyer Q & A, Short Jokes

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle. Inhumane Torture

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied," and what's your third question?"

Just Punishment

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Lawyer Jokes

What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller.

The Devil and the attorney

Deal With The Devil An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Two stranded lawyers

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another. One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting his time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway. He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers go over to where she is, and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time... do you think we should screw her?" The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

The Farmer's Barn:

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow. . .

Illegitimate Lawyer

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

All attorneys are …

A man walks into his favorite bar after spending several hours with his attorney. He declares in a loud voice "all lawyers are assholes !!!!" and from the far end of the bar a man speaks up "hey, I take offense to that comment". Taken back by the response, the first man asks " are you an attorney ?? " the second man on the far end of the bar answers "no, I'm an asshole".

At the gate

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

The Lawyer

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday. He then finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and shouts "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one "did" come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Marriage

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel, and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since, after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain this unlikely phenomena. The bride responds...

My first husband was a Sales Representative. He spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"

My second husband was from Software Services. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service. He constantly said that everything was diagnostically "ok," but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services. He simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach."

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations. He told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it."

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was *talk* about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist. All he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector. All he ever wanted to do was... Darn, I miss him! SO, now that I have married a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get screwed!

Lawyers

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

A minister and a lawyer

A minister and lawyer were chatting...

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Two attorneys in a bar

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Vacation with a lawyer

A lawyer took his client ice fishing. While they were sitting around the hole in the ice, a polar bear, with a hungry look in his eye, started charging them from a half-mile off. The lawyer immediately pulled off his ice boots and started putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The client said, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, their top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The lawyer calmly replied, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"

Witnesses

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

Honest lawyer

Diogenes set about to search for an honest lawyer. After some time, a passer-by asked, "How is your quest going?" "Not too bad," he replied, "I still have my lantern."

Senior Partner

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says

, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies,

"To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Getting married in heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it;s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Two small boys having a conversation

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

Blind leading the blind

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes hold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

A true story

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

True Story…?

A criminal lawyer was making the closing argument for a client accused of murder. The case was a particularly difficult one since the body of the victim hadn't been located. As a final gesture the lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news for you. The supposed victim of this murder is in fact alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom." Silence immediately fell over the courtroom as everyone turned their gaze to the door and waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened. Having made his point the smirking lawyer turned to the jury. "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom is clear enough proof that you have far more than a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was committed. I rest my case. My client should be acquitted" The jury was given final instructions, filed out - and then returned within ten minutes with a guilty verdict! When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!" "Ah yes," said the foreman, "but one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

Lawyers

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Questions Attorneys Ask

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he ?"

"Were you present when your picture was being taken ?"

"Were you alone or by yourself ?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war ?"

"Did he kill you ?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision ?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true ?"

"How many times have you committed suicide ?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of your baby) was August 8th ?"
A: "Yes"

Q: "And what were you doing at that time ?"

Q: "She had three children, right ?"
A: "Yes"

Q: "How many were boys ?"
A: "None"

Q: "Were there any girls ?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement ?"
A: "Yes"

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also ?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon ?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir"

Q: "And you took your new wife ?"

Q: "How was you first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death"

Q: "And by who's death was it terminated ?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual ?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard"

Q: "Was this a male, or a female ?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work"

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people"

Q1: "All your responses must be oral, OK ?"

Q2: "What school did you go to ?"
A : "Oral"

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30pm"

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time ?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy"

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas ?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel"

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?"
A: "I have been since early childhood"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No"

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure ?"
A: "No"

Q: "Did you check for breathing ?"
A: "No"

Q: "So, then it was possible that the patient was alive when you begun the autopsy ?"
A: "No"

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor ?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere"

THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but...

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS US

Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200 1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it. 9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin. 10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3 (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

To: Our Legal Department Lawyer -

Another Joke As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Legal Services

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

Nonsense jokes

Q- Do you know why they bury lawyers thirty feet deep?
A- Because deep down they're nice people.

Q-Do you know what they call ten thousand lawyers chained to the bottom of the sea?
A- A good beginning.

Q-You're in a room with Saddam Hussein and Hitler and a lawyer and you have only two bullets in a gun. Whom do you shoot?
A-The lawyer twice. Make sure he's dead.

Astronomy 101

And now the news at 6...

The New York Times published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

More nonsense jokes

1.What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

2.What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

3.What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

4.In front of you stand four men:
Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

5.What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

6.How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

7.What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

8.What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.

9.What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

10.How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

11.Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

12.What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

13.When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

14.How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

15.Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

16.How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

17.What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of poop?
The bucket.

18.What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

19.What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

20.How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

21.What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

22.If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

23.How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

24.Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

25.What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

26.What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

27.What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

28.How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

29.What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

30.What's the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

31.What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

32.Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

33.Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

34.What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

35.What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

36.Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

37.Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

38.What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

39.What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

40.What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

41.What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

42.If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?

43.What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

44.What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

45.What's the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture.

46.How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

47.If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

48.Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

49.Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

50.Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

51.Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

52.Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

53.How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership

Noblesse Oblige

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused the money saying "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you protect us all." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts (jelly) at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and once again the barber refused payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Donation

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... no." "-- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-- or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-- so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?!"

A gentlement in a plane

A gentlemen gets on a plane and after it takes off he begins to do some paperwork work to try to get caught up. Suddenly he fells these hands on his shoulders, and they begin to move around. He turns around and gives the man seated behind him a nasty look, the man states that he is sorry and stops. The gentlemen goes back to his work, but a little while later he once again feels the hands starting to work on his shoulders. He turns around this time and says, "Do you mind?" The man behind just says "Sorry", and once again stops. Again the gentlemen returns to his work and sure enough, he once again feels those hands on his shoulders. This time he turns around and says in a nasty voice, "Look, if you don't stop that, you and I are going to have some problems!" The man seated behind him finally explains his actions. "I am a Massotherapist by trade, and I can see all the tension and stress in your shoulders. Since this profession is my calling, I couldn't help himself in trying to help you." To this the gentlemen replies, "Look, I'm a Lawyer, you don't see me trying to screw the guy in front of me do you?!"

Lawyer

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking, it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!